Because before that there are chats about things that are actually interesting. Also because of a paucity of choice.
Also: don’t know when you were last in the dating pool, but there is a strong tendency for men (and sometimes women) to treat it like a job interview, as opposed to going out, having fun, and getting to know each other better. The code is, “let’s just get together for coffee first.”
The woman gets peppered with questions. Any time she tries to get in a question of her own, or point out the conversation is rather lopsided, there tends to be defensiveness and/or confusion.
At least, that’s how it is around here. TO’s dating scene is notoriously constrictive that way, especially if you’re going through sites.
As for the masochism, I’ve taken myself off the active dating scene because of just this. To me dates, especially first dates, are supposed to be light, fun, social, and most likely cheap/free. Instead one spends too much time feeling like a combination job applicant/hostage/commodity.
I just had an argument with my partner. There was a story on NPR about Strom Thurmond kissing Cokie Roberts against her wishes, some time in the 80s. He asked if she was hot back then, and I raised my voice to say that it does not fucking matter what she looked like. He maintained that it does, and it’s got me kind of shaken. He’s typically a good person, who views women as people, but doesn’t understand why this bothers me. Apparently, if she was pretty that meant “bragging rights” and I don’t even know what to make of that other than to say FUCK THE PATRIARCHY, and burn that shit down.
I more or less try to keep this a secret, given the reactions I’ve gotten in the past.
Also, I’m a guy who reads obsessively, is either ambivalent toward or hates sports, listens to symphonic music*, likes art, and does not watch television. Which little group do I belong to then? Also, I exercise but don’t go to a gym, don’t do brunch, and don’t give a damn about status symbols. My facial hair is not ironic.
*including Eastern classical music, modern stuff, and weird experimental stuff that I like to zone out to but most people think sounds like discordant noise.
Having been kissed against my will in the 80s, I agree that the “pretty” part is BS. There is nothing more disgusting than having someone you don’t even like forcing your head into position and feeling their tongue against your clenched teeth.
I once pet-sat an Alsatian whose owners hadn’t paid much attention to it for several weeks because they were too busy planning their wedding. When I went to check on it, it knocked me down and started licking my face so much I couldn’t open my mouth to call for help.
Even still, the dog was less gross than a forced kiss.
Really? Usually IME it’s just the man spouting off about how cultured he is,* how much money he makes, what kind of fancy toys he has, how good his golf game is,** and other stupid shit while the woman just sits there in stunned silence.
*erm, not really, he’s just read a book this year and is super duper proud of it, bless his heart
** no shit. I’ve actually overheard a first date like this where the guy talked about his golf game the whole fucking time, and nothing else
A friend of mine told me about going on a date with a motormouth. At once point she started getting ready to leave, and he said, “Wait! Let me finish my story!” She said all she’d done was let him finish his story.
At a business lunch, I don’t care about any of these people. I just need to get along with them so we can do business. Dating is a totally different dynamic. I’m willing to work with someone I don’t like, because that’s called being an adult, but dating them? Hard pass.
For all the mileage given to the idea that being a geek is the new cool, the truth is that the idea of what is cool has just swollen to encompass some slightly geeky ideas.
Compared to ten years ago, I have noticed that I can now make reference to ideas in comics or videogames in mixed company and not get openly mocked, which is nice.
Still off the table to 90% of the people I meet, including some close friends: literally everything else I give a shit about in any meaningful way.
When they say “geek is the new cool”, they just mean that it’s now cool to be a guy (white male, obvs) who wears glasses, watches Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and works with computers. It’s cool to be geeky, as long as that geekiness is a cultivated image and conscious social choice rather than a failure to comply with social norms.
Talking people’s ears off about the Holy Roman Empire or Chinese epics will never be cool. An obsession with Harry Partch will never be cool. Cracking jokes about stochastic processes… yep, it’ll never be cool. If you do these things, you’re my kind of person, but you’re not cool.
