It’s terrifying, appalling, and infuriating that too many, esp women, have similar tales.
A GF once screamed at an asshole who almost ran us and her husband (who was driving) off the road in So Cal so he could pass us, “I’m not afraid to go back to prison, motherfucker!” not long after her husband had screamed at him, “What? What?! You late for your goddam hitler youth meeting?!”
They were fearless, that pair, and I do hope they’re well, happy, and prosperous.
I’ve been sick AF for several days. Spent 2 1/2 of them in bed, trying to sleep. A friend with allergies often said, “It’s hard to have fun when you’re not breathing,” and truer woids was rarely spoke. Still sometimes experiencing fever, trouble getting comfortable in bed, stupidity, and inability to type (you have no fucking idea, my friend, how carefully I’m typing this), and a host of other delights.
Oh, and my machine got sick, too. It started working again only when the power supply wasn’t plugged into it…but weirdly, now it seems fine w/the PS. 
Another symptom is the dreams. I whined at @ProfOddfellow abt them, and I doubt he’d mind were I to reproduce an edited version of my whinge here for your possible amusement and possible bemusement.
Had dementedly boring dreams, truly stupid dreams for a couple days. Thoroughly unsatisfying. The same frustration on awaking as while experiencing them. Repetitious - the same thoughts, or ideas, and emotions; occasionally repeating stupid inner arguments w/myself, over and over, and all dull as ditchwater. It was akin to being forced to look thru one of those dreadful local commercial publications - mailbox fillers. Cheap, copious ink-shedding newsprint pages, w/occasional articles re: supposed local bizness worthies with their baffling, poorly printed portraits. Lots of ads for area biznesses for whomst you shall never have any use, then the tons of car & real estate ads at the back, w/minuscule, thoroughly illegible photos of vehicles/houses/buildings. My dreams were esp like those awful little pictures, over and over again.
Finally had a good, solid weirdie, which is much more common fare when I’m ill. I woke up just at dawn on one of two full size beds in an otherwise empty living room, surrounded by acid green and neon yellow and V bright white walls/trim/ceiling. I had never seen this room before. There were only mattress pads & plain white bottom sheets on both beds, no top sheets, pillows nor blankets. They were not close to each other. There was plenty of space between them. I could see the houses across the street when I sat up on the bed, and knew I was still on my own block. I was in a nightgown and barefoot. The flip flops who pass as my slippers were nowhere to be seen. I was naturally V discomfited and discombobulated by all this, and silently slipped outside. I’d been in a house (which doesn’t exist) just a few doors S of ours, and gingerly made my chilly way home - musta been spring or autumn. Everything was wet w/dew, and the light was a graying Golden Hour’s and very dreamy. I saw I’d left the front and inner doors open (but the storm door was shut) as I approached our porch steps, and realized I musta sleepwalked over there, found the front door unlocked, and “went back to bed.”
So satisfyingly weird, rather than dull and dumb.
I’m just glad I didn’t make anyone (including a bear family!) angry that I’d sleepwalked into one of their (WTF???) living room beds.
Maybe I’d been too recently thinking about not feeding birds in some places to avoid attracting bears. My brain never could resist having a Jolly Good Laugh at my expense, so they cooked up a rather obscurely Goldilocks-flavored dream w/which to mess w/me. 
So many stories to tell. Frankly, I prefer telling oral stories when speaking with others you can really add a lot to the story with your tone, pacing, body language, etc. I think i have a knack for it, and my patience for writing isn’t as great as i wish it could be but here it goes.
I did my last year as an exchange student in the US (i was raised in Venezuela), and my host family was Mormon and they lived on the outside of a really small, mostly Mormon, town out in the middle of nowhere Nevada. The road to get into town was a winding dirt road where on one side it was farms and on the other it was the Nevada desert, but that side was mostly rocky hills than flatland. To head to school i could either get in the Suburban car with all of the (4) kids or if i wanted to i could grab one of their 4 wheelers/ATVs and drive myself to school, and driving the ATV was great because i could floor it and drift the occasional sharp turn in the dirt road, or just go at my own pace and enjoy the scenery. I mostly drove like a maniac, other cars were never an issue because most of the time the only people using that road was the family i lived with.
One winter day i put on a heavy winter jacket, a helmet, gloves, and my school backpack and i set off in the ATV. As i set off I decide that i’m going to floor it and get a really sweet drift on the first turn. To my left is a fairly tall hill so i can’t see the other side of the turn as the road hugs and goes around the hill, hence the sharp turn. I purposefully fishtail a bit and start the drift early, i’m flooring it as much as i dare to and things are going as planned until i’m finally on the other side of the hill, then I notice something that wasn’t there even the day before. Right at the end of my drift line i see a metal post, it is one of the ends of a cattle guard and it sure as hell looks like the back tire of the ATV will hit it. With my speed coupled with the fact that i’m drifting on a dirt road means that no amount of breaking or turning is going to spare me.
As i’m barreling towards the post i brace myself, predictably and inevitably the back tire slams into the metal post and i am launched over the front of the ATV. I land hard on my back, nothing hurts i think to myself as i stare stupidly at the cold blue sky from the ground… until a flying, tumbling ATV enters my frame of vision and it seems to be flying at me. I snap out of my dumbfounded state and i roll as hard as i can to the side as the ATV slams sideways on the exact spot i was laying on moments ago. Somehow i manage to get to my feel and stare at the wrecked vehicle, and i look off into the distance towards a house on a hill and i see a familiar Suburban driving down towards me. All i can think is i’m in a lot of trouble as the car slows to a stop a few feet from the wreckage.
About a week or two later after the ATV was fixed i also almost stranded myself out in the middle of nowhere on top of a hill way, way off trail.
You really are/were a bit of a
innit!
I managed to get home safely with no one the wiser! 
moveslikekeithrichards
adults need to receive stickers. adults should give each other stickers. i gave my dad a sticker months ago for fixing some ongoing plumbing issue & hes still wearing it
merelygifted
I was in my late teens - early 20s the last time I regularly bought star stickers. I’d give gold stars to my friends and acquaintances whenever they were esp witty, fun, or did something really cool. They were invariably thrilled to get them. Even the big scary punk guys would say, “OMG! A gold star?! Thanks so much, Chris!” and they’d put ‘em on their foreheads, just like happy kindergarteners. If it fell off, they’d even beg for a replacement!
Whenever our friends saw someone sporting a gold one, they’d have to ask, “Wow! How’d you get a gold star from Chris?” Anyone who earned more than one during the course of a night out was beside themselves with happiness. Our friends would approach them almost with awe to ask how they’d accomplished such a feat.
I’d give them to out of town bands who were excellent, and none of their members’ reactions were any different. Perfect strangers would hug me after I gave them their stars.
Silver ones were usually given with the comment, “That was almost gold star material…” and they were still heartily welcomed. Folks who said they disliked gold got silver ones, too.
I dislike red, so I gave red ones to those who’d done or said something shitty, or when they’d annoyed me. Other friends’d see a red one, and say to the wearer, “Oh, man. You fucked up, huh?” Despite their being thoroughly embarrassed, and with no further prompting, they’d tell them exactly how they’d fucked up.
Only one or two people ever turned them down, and I quickly learned those people were best avoided anyway - their earning a gold star that night had been a fluke, a one-off.
Very rarely did a gold one get offered to an edgelord jerk who wanted to see what other colors I had, or insisted they pick the color, or demanded a color I didn’t have. I’d just walk away as soon as they approached being irritating, leaving them w/o a star, and avoided them from then on. Somehow my friends always witnessed that whenever it happened, and they spread the word that the person was obviously an asshole.
It’s safe to assume there are guitars and amps floating around the Greater Detroit area who still bear the gold stars their players had deservingly received during the 80s.
Stickers are fun. I still enjoy them and would be happy to receive one randomly
When I was a little girl, I met another little girl who was wearing an ankh necklace. When I happily noted it and said, “Oh, an ankh! That’s the Ancient Egyptian sign for life!” she got mad. She said, “No, it’s not! It’s the cross of Jesus!” When I told her the ankh actually predated Jesus by thousands of years, she got even more angry.
I went back to Grandma’s, rather than trying to play with someone who was already that hardcore into disinformation. I also wouldn’t bother grabbing a book about Ancient Egypt, and showing her her own & her parents’ error.
Despite her being so nasty, I really felt sorry for her. Having met so many other kids who had wholeheartedly bought into their parents’ lies, rather than doing research & reading newspapers other than the Detroit News,* I figured her parents had also told her that nixon was a great man, and it was a real shame he was being so mistreated. I was shocked by my so-called peers’ shallow knowledge of the nixon hearings, and had no idea I was the weirdo for knowing so much.
*The Detroit News was the very last newspaper in the country to admit that yes, nixon may have been involved in a little wrongdoing. Most folks in my and Grandma’s neighborhood had propagandized their minds and children with that paper’s hyper-conservative lies.
I don’t remember ever visiting a school friend’s home - grade school, jr high, high school - and thinking nor saying, “Wow! Look at all the books!”
How did they survive?
One night back in the 90s, when at the top of my game, I was playing darts with friends at a bar. I covered my eyes with one forearm, and threw three triple bulls while reciting this song. Very Zen archer-like, but applied to an electronic darts game!
Pity I never played for $.
I gave, and still give Primus all credit.
Hung out a few times with a friend of a friend who constantly stared at my chest. It was infuriating, and made me more than uncomfortable. I hated it when he was brought along by a friend we really liked, but, hey. I couldn’t tell our friend whom he could and couldn’t bring to concerts, etc.
Once I actually had warning that we’d see him. The night before I saw him for what turned out to be the last time, I formulated a plan. I told my BF about his endless staring, and he got mad. Then I told him my idea, and he laughed, and said it was great.
When the guy showed up, he stared as usual, and I checked to see if my BF noticed. Oh, he noticed, allright! He was clenching his jaw and one fist.
I put my plan into action.
I STARED at the guy – a couple inches below his belt buckle.
To my joy, he began to squirm, looking around nervously, putting his hands in his pockets and taking them back out; his hands shook, and his air of anxiety increased by the second. I caught my BF’s eye, and he was stifling laughter.
I stared like that whenever he was standing up, the entire time he was there. His reactions remained the same.
I just hope he learned his lesson.
My BF (who lived in Brooklyn, NY at the time & had made a surprise visit) and his best friend appeared on my doorstep one evening, announcing they were taking me to see The Residents perform at a nearby venue! It was during their tour for Demons Dance Alone, which was released in 2002. I quickly got my act together, and off we went.
The show was incredible, of course. There was camo netting everywhere, the singer wore fatigues and a weird half mask. The other members of the group were swathed in such vasty heaps of sheer black material it became opaque, and they had black, gray, white, and silver tubular crin cyber braids
in varied configurations stickin’ out the tops of their heads. Slits musta been cut in the fabric over their eyes; they each wore different strange goggles.
The only dancer I remember was in a devil costume, mask and makeup, like on the cover of the album
He was excellent.
I hadn’t heard the album, but the sound was so great I could easily make out the lyrics, and I was dancing my ass off. Far as I could tell, when I’d occasionally open my eyes, only one or two other audience members were dancing. I shook my head, sadly smiling. Dunno how anyone can just stand still when the music is so…moving - rhythmically, lyrically → emotionally, but I was raised by a dancer.
There I was, about ¾ of the way thru the concert, still dancing like mad, eyes shut, transported, when there was a sudden tap on my shoulder. My eyes flew open, and I spun toward whoever it was, only to be met with the devil’s face maybe three inches from mine! We locked eyes, and I grinned. Everyone around us was smiling and laughing, too. I immediately began dancing again, as did he. I closed my eyes again and we danced together for almost the rest of the song.
That was the night I danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.
Or pale stagelight, as my wag of a bassist BF had it one afternoon.
Thank you, Liebchen!
It was a very strange night. Many women tried to pick me up, including one who pressed and slid her entire body up against mine while I was trying to get a drink at the bar.
I do wish I’d said, “Couldn’t you have at least bought me dinner first?!” So damn creepy.
At least three other women had tried, and I finally got a great idea. I went up to my BF’s friend, and some other buddies of theirs we’d met at the bar after the show, and said, “Here!” as I rubbed a shoulder against their most convenient arms. “Women keep tryinta pick me up, so I’m hoping it will rub off on you guys!”
They loved and welcomed that.
I have two very good flat tire stories….no, threee! Here they are in chronological order:
During the late 80s, an often quite bitchy friend was driving us to his place on the East Side of Detroit when we got a flat. He quietly swore once as we got out of the car. He opened the trunk, got out the tools and the dibby dibby tire (an onomatopoeic Jamaican nickname for undersized spares), and set to work w/o another word. Though normally talkative, I also remained silent during the entire operation, not daring to risk one of his many dramatic meltdowns. I was amazed that he didn’t throw a screeching fit, and how efficiently and quickly he changed the tire. We easily made it to our destination. He didn’t even whine when telling his roommates, one of whom drove me back across town (also w/o complaint) when the time came.
During the mid-90s Mom and I were crossing Woodward Ave at Mack, which at the time was a much-potholed intersection. It was a bitter cold January evening. We hit something just the wrong way and a tire blew. Mom pulled over right after we’d crossed the intersection, and turned off the car. As she was about to get out, the valet parking chap from the hoity toity music center (it’s on the corner) appeared at her window. He told us he saw what had happened, and offered to change the tire! He even told us to stay in the car so we wouldn’t freeze, as mom popped the trunk. He began changing the tire, and apologized when he had to stop and park a customer’s car. Mom told him there was no need for him to apologize for doing his actual job. The two of us discussed his tip when he was almost finished (he was V quick!), and I suggested $20. She said she was thinking $10; I pointed out how cold it was, he was so solicitous & kind as he rescued us, that there was all this traffic on the street, and how quickly he was changing it. She agreed, and insisted when he politely declined the offered tip.
[Ed. Note: This one is the longest, but it is also the best one.]
A month later, mom, her then-BF and I were driving from the airport in Montego Bay on Jamaica’s West Coast to the small place on the North Coast where we stayed. Mom had been warning him about the jagged edge of the road, but he would keep drifting over, and he hit the edge. We naturally got a flat. W/o a word I slid across the back seat & jumped out as mom bitched at him. I leaned in his window to hit the button to open the hatch, then began pulling out all our big heavy luggage so he could access the tools and spare. I was smiling, intuitively knowing everything would be fine. Only one suitcase was left when he joined me, and he was shocked that I’d done it at all, let alone so cheerfully & quickly. (My surprising upper body & arm strength back then was belied by my slight frame [those were the days!!!] and small stature.) Mom sat in the car and fumed for a few minutes, then got out so she could yell at him some more.
I walked a little ways and happily looked around at The Bush surrounding the road. An expensive all-inclusive hotel’s expensive bus fulla mascots (tourists) drove by, a little more slowly than the other traffic. A woman inside it gave me a horrified stare, so my smile quickly melted and I gave her a horrified stare right back. I laughed once the bus had passed, knowing the woman was horrified by The Very Thought of getting a flat in a third world country; I was (and am) horrified by The Very Thought of being on a bus loaded with mascots on its way to an all-inclusive!
I walked into The Bush alongside the road to escape the road and mom’s yelling. I went a short way and found myself on a lovely rocky outcrop overlooking the bright green/blue/turquoise Caribbean, the road noise and mom all but silenced by the lush growth behind me. I breathed in the warmth, the sunshine, the breeze, the bliss - and winter left my bones. I went back to the road after a few minutes, and mom said she’d just been wondering where I’d gone. I smiled, took her hand, and silently led her down the road and into The Bush, ignoring her questions and complaints. When she saw the sea, she gasped at the beauty of the scene before her. All her anger left her, and I said, “You know, of all the places to get a fucking flat…“ then added, "This sure beats hell outta Mack and Woodward!” She laughed, and after a few enjoyable minutes we went back to the car.
A cop car pulled up and stopped behind us as we returned, and two gorgeous young men hopped out. One had on the uniform trousers but a polo shirt; the other wore a uniform shirt and a pair of his own shorts. The one in the shorts had a yo-yo. (I swear to God/dess I’m not making up any of this!) They greeted us, and immediately one of them took over from mom’s BF, and rapidly finished putting on the dibby dibby tire, as he called it. We laughed, loving the silly slang. He also hipped us to the much sillier term foo foo tire, which made us laugh even more. When he was done, we warmly thanked them for at least the tenth time. After asking, “Which one of you is the boss?” mom insisted on giving him a sort-of tip, and said their first post-work drinks were on her. 
Those are great stories!
I especially love the serendipity of finding such a beautiful spot you wouldn’t have otherwise discovered. (Oh, and the “dibby dibby tire” bit made me listen to Snow Informer again since that’s the last time I heard that phrase. 
)
Here’s my flat tire story:
After years of chatting online (first on AOL, then internet), I took a leap of faith and got on a Greyhound cross-country to meet this lady. After 1024 miles, 24 hours on buses, I finally arrived and she picked me up at the station, took me to her home and introduced me to her cats. We got along great right away.
Her daughter had been staying with her ex when I arrived (he had custody on the weekends). So at the end of the weekend we went to pick her daughter up. All the way there, she was super worried we’d be late and her ex would bitch at her about it. That was all she could talk about, we can’t be late, because she’d been late before and it hadn’t gone well.
So of course we got a flat on the highway on the way there.
The next few minutes are a blur to me, but according to her, I jumped out as soon as we stopped on the side of the highway. Had the car jacked up, the lug nuts loosened, and was taking the wheel off by the time she had walked around the car. Got that tire changed like some kinda pit crew person. All I remember is someone else pulled over behind us so that we’d have the light of their headlights to help.
Tire changed, we got there on time, picked up the then 13-year-old newly teenager who was really uncertain about me at first, but who now calls me Dad, and I’ve been married 20 years to the lovely lady whose tire I changed that night.
For context, I’ve never had a car myself. Luckily my dad taught me to change a tire when I was a kid, and it was just there like instinct when I needed it. In fact, that might be the only time I’ve ever changed a tire since my dad taught me.
Had a nice, positive dream last night. Of course mixed with a lot of dream nonsense but a through line of it was that someone had a mantra akin to live in the moment. Saving a fancy bottle of something to drink on a big occasion? Or have a fancy outfit you’d love to wear but can’t find the right moment? etc. Go ahead and intentionally create those moments with the people in your life, don’t wait for maybe, or some day. Have fun and be present.
The rest of the dream was bananas but it was a nice thing to dwell on while asleep.
