Sorry to hear, man. Don’t forget to take care of yourself through this too.
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One of my nurses ran into this with her adult daughter. With insulin! No one would refill it, she went to the ED and they accused her of drug seeking. For *insulin! * (Well, truly, she was seeking a drug. INSULIN!) We managed to find someone who would fill it for her, but only because he had connections. Most folks do not. UVA did a marketing survey here and found that we are 57 primary care docs short in our area. No one is taking new patients. My kids who age out cannot find a PCP. I am still seeing “kids” in their late 20’s because they cannot get a PCP. Thing is, pediatricians do this because we love kids and know that we are not going to make a lot of money doing it. Adult docs have lots of options, and can make boatloads more money not doing primary care. The whole structure was teetering, and covid pretty much finished it off. I know I’m not helping you find a doc, but I guess the fact that you are not alone? I had to go 2 towns away to find a PCP, and I work for UVA! We are in trouble.
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Oh, so now I know why my pediatrician gently suggested that I get a new doctor when I was 24. I looked at him and said, “But why?” 
He was like an uncle to me and he was there when I was delivered (c-section in '63). I adored him. He retired and years later I went to see him at an Alzheimer’s facility before he died. He thought I was my mom.
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It’s so bad. And we can’t fill it out ourselves, we just don’t have people capable I guess. We really need more immigrants to do this (all my best doctors have been immigrants, or second generation - Filipino, Korean, and Arabic).
Luckily we have an administration that’s prioritizing education and immigration. Oh wait. Fuck.
Also, thank you for being a pediatrician. I love the memory of how mine made me not afraid of shots. I was terrified of them before (for a legitimate reason - one went badly and partially paralyzed me for a brief time when I was little), but afterward I was always like “why do I need to take pills several times a day for two weeks, why can’t you just stab me in the ass once and let’s be done with it”. Which of course isn’t always applicable, but it sure makes vaccines and stuff a lot easier.
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That remains an option. If I hit a problem it is the only option. And it’s really nice to have that option now because when I was growing up it didn’t exist. You went to the ER for anything that couldn’t wait for a doctor appointment.
But thus far I’m going with just do it yourself. That may be a bad choice, but so far it’s gone okayish. Just have to tell people “let me know if I get weird - no, I mean weirder than normal.” because there’s a chance I might not notice that.
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Thanks everyone for your lovely messages. 
As expected, Dad passed peacefully on the 28th March.
It turned out to be pneumonia.
My brother and I are in the organising phase now.
For some reason we can’t get him into his spot in the Green Burial ground until the 15th of May, which at first I thought outrageous but have since come around to the fact that it gives us a lot more time to organise things thoroughly. We’re not a big family, but we are very spread out over the country.
The wee mutt is now permanently affixed to my ankles, bless him.
He spends most of the night with me but can’t resist sneaking back into Dad’s room early each morning.
And, in a spectacular case of rotten timing, we were involved in an accident two days ago.
Thankfully, the dog got out of it without a scratch on him. (I know that would be your first worry - it was mine).
It was a low-speed car collision - some eejit pulled out of a junction and knocked us across the road.
The car is a write-off. A ten-ish year-old Hyundai.
The airbag (bastard thing) managed to break my xiphoid sternum, which docs can’t do much about.
It’s painful, but will be okay in a month or so.
The airbag also managed to make a mess of my face, but then it didn’t exactly start as Brad Pitt.
Baillie, after the initial shock, has seemed to shrug it off. He wolfed down his dinner that evening as usual and is trotting very happily along on his walks, thankfully.
A month or so ago, Dad showed me a typical Daily Mail horror story about untethered dogs in cars and suggested I get a little doggie seat belt. I’m glad I ignored that sage advice, as he would have been squished by the airbag. As it was, he slid underneath the thing and ended up sitting in the footwell.
It’s not all bad news here, honestly.
My brother and I have had enough time to come to terms with Dad’s passing and I am losing myself now in the day-to-day busywork. The little house has a snag-list a mile long.
And I now have fewer worries. The everyday worries of the past five years (sorting fourteen different tablets a day, making sure he gets to all his appointments etc.) have been lifted. Which may sound like a strangely selfish sense of relief. Even with all the complications of his arrangements, things are somehow simpler now.
Well, this was a massive missive.
I really missed being here the last couple of weeks, and I can see I’ll never catch up with all the goings on.
Thanks all.
This is my Dad, Brian, circa 1960:
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Nothing at all selfish about acknowledging that your work as a caretaker was difficult and now is not. Bless you for doing the work, and I’m sure your dad was better off for your efforts. And forget Brad Pitt…your old man had more character in his eyes than that pretty diva has in his whole body!
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And every bit as handsome too!
@Dogbutler, I’m sorry to hear about your sudden boatload of trouble, but also relieved to hear that you’re getting things sorted. Great to have you back in our little corner of the chatterati.
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In that photo, he reminds me of a younger Jason Robards. I agree with @Surprise_Puma about his eyes, too.
I’m glad to hear that Baillie came through the collision unscathed, I wish you had been able to do the same, but I’m very glad your injuries weren’t more severe.
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I’m so sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. My best to you and your whole family… Sorry to hear about the accident, too! I’m glad you’re mostly okay…
I’m thinking good thoughts your way and we’ll see you back soon. Take care of yourself in these difficult times.
And also, what @Surprise_Puma said about not being selfish. It is a relief to have all that lifted. Being a care-giver is difficult work that is rarely given the support needed. It’s fine for you to feel the way you do.
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Just got home and logged back in.
These last four messages brought a little tear to my eye.
A happy little one, thanks so much all of you.
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Glad to hear you’re ok and your puppers is too!
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I’m very sorry for your loss. Your dad’s photo reminds me of my own father’s photo, same circa. 
I’m happy to hear that you and Baillie are doing fine since the accident (well, you’re doing okay, Baillie is is doing better).
I agree with both @Surprise_Puma and @mindysan33—being a caregiver can be difficult and there is nothing for you to feel guilty about.
Take care of yourself!
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I don’t think it is selfish. Maybe it feels like that because of your grief, like feeling the relief of a simpler life is a bit of a betrayal. But it isn’t! Like everyone else said, being a caretaker is a lot of work both physically and emotionally. Work you took on willingly and did with love, but still hard. Next time that guilty feeling sneaks up on you, maybe try countering it with a little pride for all the love you gave and the work you did to make your dad’s twilight years good for him.
I’m sorry to hear about the accident. I hope you heal quickly! Glad Baillie seems unaffected.
I’m sorry for your loss.
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I don’t think it sounds selfish. You gave all this time and energy from yourself because you loved your dad and it’s really sweet and beautiful but it also is a sacrifice to care for others and I think it’s fine to be grateful for having some parts of your life back after deprioritizing them for a long time. It’s not selfish to value that part of yourself when it returns to you… in fact I think of it more as a type of gratitude.
You got to spend that time with your father while you still could and now you get time to care for yourself.
*edit: I somehow botched this and replied to the wrong person, but y’all get the gist.
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I’m so sorry about your dad, and the accident.
Grieving is a complex process; sadness, relief, guilt because of the relief … I’m glad you have Baillie and your brother; you can all give comfort to each other.
It’s good to see you back; I’ve been wondering how things were going.
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I’m so sad for your loss. I’m glad to read that you have family support (and canine support, naturally); that helps immeasurably. As others have already written, please don’t feel bad about your sense of relief from the demands of caregiving. Taking care of a loved one, especially a parent, as you did is hard—emotionally, often physically, even spiritually—and that in no way takes away from the love of and grief for your dad.
Sending lots of good energy to you as you grieve your dad, handle all the “stuff”, and heal from the car accident. Extra good scritches and cuddles (if he allows them) to Baillie.
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All of you really know how to make someone feel better, I appreciate it hugely.
Tonight was the first time I’ve bothered to cook properly in a fortnight.
I invited Catherine, our neighbour, round for roast chicken and netflix.
She has been dropping in on Dad every other day for the last couple of years to keep him company, though truthfully they kept each other company as her husband has been in a home for the past two years (he has the terrible, violent kind of dementia, and became far too much for her to handle without help).
She used to call my Dad “Mudge”, short for Curmudgeon.
She also avoided coming round for a while after he passed - I don’t think she could handle the change.
She has some terrific stories about the care home and the shenanigans the oldies get up to.
edited redundant sentence
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I found a dog a great comfort during a difficult time, I get the impression you will too.
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