Bleakness 'n' Me

At least I can let the natural-gas bill go for a month; it’s only $20 and some change. And there’s the water bill, which is over $120.

My son told my his physician, upon being told our internet might be shut off, said “Go to the library.” The nearest library is 2 miles away, which is doable. But my son, being Aspy and used to having his internet at home - all his friends are online (I do know some of them, and they’re okay…geeez, I keep acting like he’s still 15 instead of going on 31…).

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Here I am, more than an adult. I’m simply moving a few blocks to the south to what should be a better situation. And yet I have the same feeling of empty despair that I felt when I was 12 and my family moved half-way across the country, or when I left hime for the first time.

Is this a normal reaction, or do I not handle change well?

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Moving house is a stressful thing. Sure, it’s well below divorce or a death in the family, but it’s still in the top 10 somewhere.

Just keep reminding yourself you’ve got experience you can lean on to make this move better.

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How well did you like the house you were in, and the surrounding area?

Oh, what is “normal” anyhow? How about “natural”? And if you don’t handle change well, yes it would be a natural reaction/response to feel that way.

Do you, in other situations, or does it depend on the degree of change?

Yes, unless one is REALLY free-spirited, in which case one should have a caravan and not a house.

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LOL free-spirited or oblivious. I’ve known a few people who boasted all they needed to move was a couple of hockey bags. None of them took into account that everything else they owned resided at their parents’ place.

Okay, or else they downsized a lot. But mostly the former.

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By that I meant someone who doesn’t wish to stay in one place for very long.

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To answer a few of your points:

For the past two years I have been living in a horrible apartment that is literally falling to pieces. I got it because I never i tended to stay. Relocating to someplace I bought has always part of the plan. But I’m used to it.

I’m the kind of person who finds great satisfaction in doing the same things at the same time eveyday.

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I’m with you there.
Change can be really hard, even if it’s for the better.

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A person needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.

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I’ve moved a bunch. It always is hard on me no matter how positive the change is. I have a rule of thumb that it takes 2 years to feel like you fit in in a new place.

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As someone who actually did take the leap of faith and do a cross-country move with just the 2 bags I could bring on the Greyhound, it’s doable if you’re in a special place in your life. I was very much in a situation where my past wasn’t moving forward and life seemed just stuck on hold, but moving, though uncertain, opened up a whole new life.

I don’t know if I could do that again though. I kinda like to think if I needed to start over, that spirit’s still in me. I’d be jettisoning a lot of stuff, and I could say that’s just stuff, but there’s a lot of sentimental value built up. It’d take a lot to make me walk away from it all.

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Almost exactly a year ago, Mrs Cynical and I packed up everything we had, sold or gave to charity what we couldn’t carry and left Singapore for Europe. Mrs Cynical still has things of hers at her parents’ house but I’ve moved around a lot over the last couple of decades and have got rid of all my stuff a few times now. My sister has the original copies of my birth certificate and degree certificate but apart from that, everything I own fits into my 90 litre rucksack and my laptop backpack. Admittedly, there’s enough weight there that I start to seriously injure myself after more than an hour of carrying it all, but I’m a firm believer in purging everything every five years or so and starting again with what you can carry.

I sometimes miss my old coffee machine or having a nice TV but they’re just things. What I really, really miss though is having a sense of permanence. A garden. A local pub. Having a registered address. Knowing where I’m going to be in more than a month’s time. Being in the same country as my friends and family.

I’ve been back in London for two months now and it’s way too overpriced, polluted and broken-down (and just generally broken) for me to stay here long-term, despite it being my hometown. Mrs Cynical and I are moving to Wales this weekend (hurricane forecast notwithstanding) and we are looking to stay there for a couple of years at least. More than anything else, I’m looking forward to having somewhere that feels like home. Although, a nice gaming monitor would also be good… :slight_smile:

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I hope you find it.

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I want to be dead.

Life is not enjoyable when I know I’m probably never going to have enough money to go out of state on a vacation, much less anywhere else.

It’s not enjoyable when I don’t know when I’m going to be able to pay my electric and internet bills.

When I can’t seem to communicate with my son any more without yelling at him, and today’s his birthday and he’s 31. I’ve tried talking but he doesn’t respond.

When I have to deal with all of the housework, inside and out, by myself.

Joy? What the fuck is that? It’s a momentary thing for me lately.

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I wish I had something better to say, but really all I have is, hang in there.

Because, many times I have wished I was dead. Too many. But, every time, that ends and I find myself relieved that I didn’t hurt myself.

I don’t know how to get out of the spiral, but I know it is possible to get out of it, because I have, and you probably have also at some point.

I’d love to have a concrete suggestion, but all I have is the feeling that I desperately, wholeheartedly want you to feel better.

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If you have any good friends or family in the area (or, failing that, acquaintances who seem like decent people), I suggest setting up a meet immediately and unburdening yourself in-person. I know, all too well, that you don’t want to subject other people to your problems (to the point where I am being astonishingly hypocritical by suggesting this), but I promise you that every single one of them will find losing you more of a burden than having to listen to you for an hour while you get all of this off your chest.

The physical reality of knowing that someone, who you can see and hear and touch and smell and who isn’t just words on a screen, cares about you and wants you alive, is going to be worth more to you than anything I can tell you here.

And, who knows, maybe they’ll be able to suggest a solution or an opportunity for you in the area that might even make things better. I wouldn’t get my hopes up too high, but, at the very least, having a physical, literal shoulder to cry on should help you feel more connected again.

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I hear you. I’m sorry.

I understand what it’s like when you feel stuck, when it seems like nothing’s ever going to get any better than this. I know that “I don’t want to live with this any more” feeling.

I only wish I could give you some sort of answer on how to fix it. I’d gladly give it to you if I had it… but I don’t, not even for myself.

All I can say is, please, dig in and hold on. If joy is ephemeral, so is sorrow, and sometimes if you can endure the darkness long enough, the clouds part and the sun shines again, for a while. It’s damn tiresome to feel like you’re just slogging through one crisis to the next, but remember-- you got through those crises, so you can get through this. Try to find at least one small thing to give some relief in the moment-- hug your cat, draw or craft something, or even take a little walk outside. And please, please remember, we love you and we believe in you.

I second @nimelennar’s suggestion to talk to someone (and yes, I feel like a hypocrite too as I don’t do that as often as I should.) Having a fresh look from an outside perspective can bring unexpected solutions… and if nothing else, it feels better to get it off your chest for a little while. If there’s nobody in RL to talk to, there’s always mental health hotlines. I find they make very good listeners.

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However, I seem to end up getting the folks who merely repeat back to me what I just said to them. And on the Macomb County crisis line - I’ve been put on hold till the next available operator became available.

I can’t find a lot of folks in the real world to whom I don’t need to explain just about everything I say. There’s my brother…but he gets on my nerves. And I get told by him, “I know how you feel.” NO. As far as I know, he’s never been raped.

Even though the rape occurred a full year before I met my current musical partner whom at that time became my boyfriend (my mp, he is like the least threatening person in the world; a person would have to be a LOT more mistrustful of the human race than I to feel unsafe in any way around him), I’m still afraid of going out and having some guy try and chat me up, sincerely or not.

I’ve found it hard to trust other women IRL, as well; after being told by one now-ex-friend that she would get me my MMMP card free as well as other things with which she never followed through. And women don’t seem to like me much IRL, anyhow.

I just know I feel like i DO NOT BELONG HERE on this world, at this time.

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I hear you. I’ve gotten that “mirroring” myself, or had times where it was obvious the operator was reading from a script. While intellectually I know having prepared responses can be useful, emotionally it feels distancing and lessens the sense of personal connection we call these lines to get. The only numbers I’ve called were country-wide, not local, but they use “hold for the next operator” too, so I don’t have an answer to that.

I can’t claim to understand everything you say or have been through-- I’ve never been raped. But you’ve got my info-- I’m willing to listen, even if I don’t have a clue how to fix stuff. I have a hard time trusting others too, and I’ve been told I can come off as standoffish or stuck up. I don’t mean to… there’s just times I don’t know what to say, and I tend to keep to myself a lot. It’s safer… but it’s lonely as hell.

I think you’re very likable, and your posts have brought a smile to my face on many occasions. I know how hard it can be to feel like you fit in-- but you belong here, absolutely, and I’m very glad you’re here with us!

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Oh so true for me. I love your posts. Cats can be great listeners too, and they feel the emotion if not understanding the words. I think!

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