Bleakness 'n' Me

What does he do all day?

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This is an extremely sensitive subject to me. I love my son. I worry a lot that I am somehow responsible for him being the way he is, other than just the genetic stuff that gets passed on; where does nature end and nurture begin?

I’ve been a single mom since I left his dad, my first ex-husband, in June 1989, about eight months after my son was born; I’d just quit drinking that May. He’s been raised in dysfunction, to make a long story short.

And you see, I think so many things are my fault because no one’s told me it’s not been.

He sleeps. At night, he’s online with his best friend, who lives in CA, doing gaming commentary while playing (I know it’s recorded because I hear him counting at the beginning and the end). He watches a lot of “Vinesauce Vinny”, too, during the day.

He’s been diagnosed, since kindergarten, as having: ADD, ADHD, Tourette’s, depression, Asperger’s, and ASD. The Asperger’s was diagnosed in 2000. He was p diagnosed by Michigan Rehabilitation Services four years ago, I believe, as having adult ADHD, depression, and unspecified learning disability. I may be leaving something out, but I’m tired.

He worked nights at Walmart, which was driving him - and me - over the edge (toy department).

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That’s complicated, but it’s what it is. As I’m sure you know, it’s really hard to deal with that, to help someone else through, when you are also just trying to get through. But you do all the stuff, all the time. You’re super there. I don’t think it’s your fault at all. I think things have just been making you feel that way.

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I had a chance to talk with a local suicide prevention center a couple of weeks ago.

This is the National hotline number. Apparently they are better than the local resources.

You’ve been going through this for a while now. I wonder if there is an option for you to get some ongoing professional care.

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I get a year of therapy through MI Medicaid, and it’s once a month. I got tired of therapy because I just tell my same old story over and over to each new therapist. Some stuff has helped, but a lot of this is on ME.

And that’s what I hate: Shit happens to SO many of us, none of it our making, but WE’RE responsible for dealing with it! While the people who helped cause the making either dying or just going away.

Crazy is forever, apparently. That’s why we commit suicide, because we can’t take the crazy any more, and anything else we’ve tried doesn’t seem to work.

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Yes. I understand. I’m sick of the systemic issues falling on individuals to fix, too. We need some real support.

Once a month seems like not enough?

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Some of that is inevitable. No two brains are the same, especially after having been traumatized in different ways, so a lot of what will work for one person won’t help another. And you’re the one dealing with it on a day-to-day basis, so you’ll have a better idea of what works for you.

That said, cycling from therapist to therapist, and resetting your progress to zero at every visit, can’t be helping matters, and if that is how MI has their therapy set up… That’s just stupid and pointless.

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I wish they had mental health caregivers that could live with one for a month or so. Or that would drop in and spend the day with you once a week.

A lot of the folks I know IRL…we’ve grown apart and many of them are busy with their lives and have no time for me (no one’s ever said that, but they don’t have to - I’m not obtuse). I quit following a lot of them on FB because I can’t relate any more to what they post. I don’t watch commercial TV, I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t believe in a Deity, I don’t listen to any music but classical and jazz on the radio - the one woman on FB that I’ve known there for a while and I would LOVE to hang out with lives in Australia.

I got tired when I was a teen to try and pretend to be part of the herd, and I’m not going to start now. I would rather be lonely/lonesome (is there a difference in meaning that’s worth discussing, lol?) and be true to myself than be a part of a group and wondering if that’s what I really want to do.

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Just instinctually, I’d say that’s a dialectal variation with the same meaning. When I think of words ending in ‘-some,’ my mind automatically adds an accent straight out of a Country-Western song to them, and “lonesome” is no exception.

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A lot of those things I’ve been experiencing from the time I was in elementary school. I remember maybe from third grade on, if I was anxious (even if I didn’t know that’s what it was), I’d say I had an upset stomach and they’d send me home (that’s also the year I started wearing glasses). No one ever asked, “Are you having problems at home? How are your parents?” Or, “This happens a lot; is something wrong? Do you need help?”

Nope, just send the kid home, business as usual. I managed to have all As from first to fifth grade, except Cs in Handwriting (so vital to the future of the world, right?), so hey, she’s doing okay academically.

That kills me. And I know of others with whom I went to school who had problems at home and I don’t remember them getting asked, “Hey we noticed you seem to be off your usual self? Are you okay?”

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Oh boy is that true. I suspect you’re younger than me but I think it’s a generational thing that we didn’t talk about such things. Surely my parents didn’t, and I could have used some talking about my anxiety. My mom suffered with it (maybe my dad too; he had a stressful job, being a CIA guy). Instead we intellectualized it all.

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I’ll be 55 on 11/15. My parents were old enough to be my grandparents; Dad was born in 1923, Mom 1926. I grew up knowing more about the Great Depression and WWII than anyone my age, and a few older than I.
Oh, and Dad had a mistress we know about but never spoke of. For 20 years. We moved into her and her husband’s house, my mom, dad, me & my son, when they moved to VA.
This was my house, all the time my dad was alive. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCJ8emSWTQk

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Not to detract from @Lucy_Gothro1’s issues themselves, but soooo much of this is attributable to the capitalists siphoning community resources and making life harder on the precariat class simply because they can.
Not much of this is on you. Seriously. In a better country, these issues would be provided for.

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I’ve seriously considered moving to the Netherlands, but getting there would be impossible.

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Same. But unless you’re Ai Weiwei or someone like that who’s a political dissident, we artists don’t get much consideration in immigration. Everybody wants doctors and engineers.

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What do I do to be a political dissident? I’m a domestic engineer!

I’m an entertainer; doesn’t EVERY country need those?

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It’s about “inherent value”. :smirk:

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My insurance has online counselors at $10/session. My daughter uses this system because as a college kid it’s hard to physically visit someone plus when she is home or at her dad’s on vacation she can get continuity of care.

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Being on Medicaid limits one’s choices; I don’t think they cover online sessions.

I need to get out and about (pronounced “ah-boot”), I think that would help.

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I google fued up this list for Michigan Medicaid mental health providers. I don’t know if any of these are useful but it looked like a good list.

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