I identified as bisexual for many years, but more recently I’ve been calling myself pansexual, if only because of my own gender identity. I’ve been actively having sex with partners of any gender since I was 12, so about 35 years now. (Yeah, I started way too young!) I quite assure anyone who questions it, that my identity is very real and I don’t need to “pick a side.”
I propose to those who suggest that you’re straight because you are “only” with a single partner in a heterosexual pairing that by that logic, a person who is not partnered with anyone is obviously asexual. Association with others can be a component of one’s identity, but ultimately, the core is from self-identification.
Purely from biological and genetic considerations, as well as my own experiences, I would have thought that exclusive homosexuality would not be that common among men. Among women I don’t know, and it’s not something I’ve ever felt able to discuss with lesbian friends.
In most cases, I neither fully know or care what someone’s sexual orientation is. I never assume that someone who’s in a relationship with someone of one gender is only attracted to that one gender.
The ex-husband used to work with a relative of mine; they were work friends. When I was a kid I was taken there for visits because it was a nice, safe, Christian house to go to. I used to get warmed to not swear and be more… placid I guess you’d say. My siblings and I weren’t allowed to tease each other or banter (by our relative, not by anyone who lived there). It was kind of like visiting the Flanders from The Simpsons.
The coming-out caused a huge scandal. I remember when my siblings and I were told, we all basically blinked once and said, “Okay, not surprised.” But we got to hear about it for months.
That’s pretty much the house I grew up in, and visit when I go home for holidays. Mandatory church, swearing absolutely forbidden (even “dang” was off limits as it was too close to a bad word), no teasing, no fighting, no R-rated movies allowed. And friends wonder why I don’t have open conversations about sexuality with my parents. Gosh, I can’t imagine.
I’ve been told that not coming out in a big way to my family is a big point of shame that I should feel guilt about, that I’m denying myself freedom or some such thing. Honestly, I’m just not convinced it’s at all worth it.
It’s your life and your privacy. You should absolutely come out to your family if that is what you want/need to do. It’s not anyone’s business to shame you one way or another. Those people shaming you don’t have to live with the fall out.
Are you saying you never came out to your family, as in they think you’re straight? Or is it more a matter of your sexual orientation being an elephant in the room that nobody ever discusses?
Having to come out is the same deal as having to stay in the closet. It’s just the flip side of that coin.
Nobody has to come out. Just because someone’s out of the closet with some people, or even most people, doesn’t mean they have to be out to everybody. Unfortunately, that sometimes includes blood relatives. I have a good friend who found that out the hard way. As a middle-aged adult. In the 2010s.
It’s more that relationships and sex and things are just never talked about in my family. They’ve never asked me about any relationship I’ve been in or seemed remotely curious; their take on everyone’s private life is that it’s no business of theirs. If I announced I had a girlfriend or announced I had a boyfriend, either way, they’d be happy because I was happy. But me simply saying “Hey guys, I know I’m in my mid-40s but just so you know, I think either men or women are potential partners” seems like an entirely weird and selfish thing to do.
I’ve known I was physically attracted to both females and males since I was about eight years old; my older brother was probably sneaking peeks at my dad’s copies of “Playboy” when I wasn’t, lol.
But I never did anything about it, because I just knew it would get me picked on even more than I already was for being smart, wearing glasses, having teachers like me, and all that kind of crap. And I remember one my high-school friends writing me a note, telling me she loved me, but not “in a lezish way”. Um, okayyyyyyy…yeah, I was attracted to her, but I was fairly sure she wouldn’t go for it.
Males? They pretty much picked on me for the above-referenced, as well as for being tall, skinny, and having mini-boobs. Being told I had “mosquito bites” on Monday after some guy had watched Lisa and Tod on SNL the Saturday before was painful, but hey - laugh through it, right? Oh, and being called “Cunt-thro” as a version of my last name, by a guy I thought was a friend - yeah, and folks wonder why I am the way I am.
All I know is that some gals like guys and some gals like other gals, and some guys like gals and some guys like other gals; and, believe it or not, there are some who like both and some who like neither. And then there’s folks who don’t feel that their genitalia match their spirits/mental processes. I don’t care what you are or what you want - 'slong as you’re respectful to yourself and others. I’ll be friends with ya!
Funny how homosexuality is a horrible abberration until someone decides that’s what you are. Then you just need to accept it despite evidence to the contrary? So many ways for bigots to be sonsabitches and the rest of us to edge away.
Oh, the things I could tell you about Kaiser Bill the 2nd and his fey friends! But Barbara Tuchman does a better job of it than I could, in both “The Guns of August” and especially in “The Proud Tower”.
One of my friends (CIS female) in college was like this. She tended to alternate between dating males and females. Relationships lasted 3-8 months. It was interesting watching her appearance change to fit in with who she was dating.
