I couldn’t do it either. But from what I saw her personality was bigger than just gay or just straight. So for awhile she would focus on her aspects that fit into one bucket and then next relationship on the other aspects. She didn’t ever strike me as someone being something she was not, she just muted parts of her that didn’t fit in the current bucket. Simple example, when dating a woman she stopped wearing makeup. And when dating a guy she wore it (too much in my opinion) but the important thing was she seemed happy that she could fulfill all of her needs (even if not all at the same time).
As some context this was Eugene Oregon in the early 90’s. It’s a weird little liberal town. Lots of in-fighting between different factions of liberals. Lots of gender politics. Lot’s of anger and violence from some groups. Lots of us and them. I mention this because fitting in with your tribe was critical to getting laid.
I definitely self mute to some extent. I was actively poly for almost 20 years. I like psychedelics. I’m pierced and tattooed. I like strange melancholy films and music. I like many things that most people don’t like or flat out will hate me for. Taught me to always keep my finger on the fader. As I get to know a person more, I open up more. Ive gotten pretty good at knowing when to stop before I hit the TMI boundary. I’ve also gotten pretty good at sussing out fellow weirdo’s. Obviously I’m not like that so much online. But in person I keep my cards close. I’m quiet, friendly and keep my private stuff private.
That may be the difference. My deviations from the norm range from quirky to boring*, for the most part. Aside from being an actual literal socialist, I’m just a little weird and not someone who would frighten old people. I don’t put a damper on because I don’t need to. There won’t be a huge scandal if I let my freak flag fly.
*yes, boring deviation is still deviation. For example, I follow politics but not sports, and most people think sports are interesting and politics are dry. I read poetry, like art, and listen to classical music. Different from the norm, but in a very fusty way.
Early on I was more open and had people flat out un-friend me (RL un friend). I’m a quick learner. Somethings I do or think may make people uncomfortable. I try and respect that and not push people in directions they don’t care to go.
This morning in the company kitchen some co-worker I only know by face started talking sports at me. I probably looked like a deer in head lights. Thankfully, someone else walked in and he turned and said the same thing to that person and they started chatting about the sports and I scooted out of there like a bullet.
Were we separated at birth? I’m like that, but I have five tattooes, and change my hair color every few months or so. But the tats are all on parts that are or can be easily covered, and little old ladies who get their hair rinsed blue don’t say anything to me.
Happens to me too, but it’s mostly because of stims, tics, and other random nonverbals. Not anything I can really control. I know I look crazy, but there’s not a whole lot I can do about that.
God I hate that. Especially when the person addresses me by name and I’m like “…who are you? Do you even work here?” Yes, I once said that to a cow-orker. Whenever someone I don’t even know by face addresses me by name, I know that it’s probably because my workplace is a big ole gossip factory.
Also, being faceblind puts me at a huge disadvantage. I sometimes can’t tell if someone’s male or female, or one person instead of two. I usually have to wait for them to start talking before I can recognize them, although body language helps as well. Cues from size, dress, appearance, etc help as well, unless the person looks totally average.
This is how I talk sports. I listen to other people and repeat what they have to say. Not much original thought on my end, but it gets the job done.
I come back with some factoid about a totally different sport (“did you know there are more cricket pitches than hockey rinks in the Greater Toronto Area now?”), or politely ask which sport they’re talking about.
The thing is, I do like some sports, but it’s like Olympic gymnastics or women’s tennis or the soccer kind of football (which is popular at work but women aren’t supposed to talk about it, and no-one follows the Toronto team, who just won the cup again!).
I feel betrayed when people talk about this. It’s silly, I know, but bear with me. It’s like it’s not enough that I follow the Big 4 Sports, but I also have to know about soccer. Yes, soccer. A game that I have to wake up at 2am to watch because it’s played in Europe, and where games are low scoring and can end in a tie. I didn’t sign up for this.
Most of my IRL friends are nerds so there’s no sports talk, but I’d say 50% of the time that one of my clients calls me and asks where I live, they say “Oh! Boston! Are you a [Red Sox, Patriots, Bruins] fan?” My time-worn answer is “Ha ha, well, when you live here, you’ve gotta be! So, about your project…”
I love having a local team. I also love they’re not called The Toronto Blizzard, which was the name of the ill-fated home team from the 70s. Toronto FC is much better and had done a good job of winning over the local FIFA fans.
The whole nerd/jock thing isn’t as strong here, so neither are obligation to watch, although the rabid fans of major teams can get annoying.
It gets awkward when I’m given sportsball tickets through work or whatever, but I have nobody to go with me. I don’t have a single friend who’s really into sports. I will watch casually, and maybe a couple other friends will as well, but I know so many people who want nothing to do with sports.
Boston is a huge sportsball town. There, it’s as much about the rivalries as it is about the team you’re rooting for. I’m not from Boston and don’t consider it home, and I’m not from New York or wherever either, so I don’t give a good goddamn about any of the rivalries.
It was easier in Ohio. Everybody and their mother was a Bengals fan, but it required very little commitment beyond a few decorations here or there.
The first time I heard people from Boston talking about the Bruins, I wondered why there were so many UCLA fans in Boston. Yeah, I’m really not much for hockey.
Columbus is even easier; with no professional sports teams (outside of hockey, but nobody really cares much), everyone is by default an OSU Buckeyes fan, and the OSU/Michigan rivalry is the only one worth caring about. I genuinely rooted for the Bucks and my parents – who actively loathe sports – go all scarlet-and-gray during playoffs and fly a Buckeyes flag outside their house.
I grew up in Alabama, where college football is the state religion. In fact, right after the doctor pronounces “It’s a girl!” or “It’s a boy!” they will say, “It’s a Auburn fan!” or “It’s an Alabama fan!”
I shit you not about this. I have an entire section of my Facebook that is devoted to this insanity. My best friend, whose family is die hard Alabama fans has children who went to Auburn. Her car’s bumper sticker is “A house divided” with the two team logos. It’s serious.
I really do not get football despite trying my best to understand the game, and it has put me at a huge disadvantage in many conversations.
Nevertheless, I do find the rivalry amusing and my favorite part of Hart of Dixie is the running joke where the black town mayor (an Auburn running back) faces some intense dislike - not because he is black, but because he is an Auburn man - and my favorite episode is either the one where his white girlfriend has to introduce him to her Alabama fan family (she hasn’t told them he played for Auburn) or the one where the entire mayoral election depends on getting out the vote on three Alabama fans who live in a trailer park on the edge of town.
It’s a good point. There’s a difference between “yes, I enjoy watching sports on a Sunday afternoon, and it’s fun to cheer for the home team during playoffs” and “SPORTS!!!@!!!”.
You know who is typically okay with people not understanding tackle football? Ex-football players. I used to work with one (he did one season in the CFL and decided the risk of brain injury wasn’t worth it). He compared it to watching chess – very opaque if you don’t know the rules.
I find face blindness very interesting. I’m sure you have other words for it. I find the workings of the mind very interesting in general. Some of my enjoyment of psychedelics is in watching my mind react and for lack of better terminology, change shape.
That’s a pretty good strategy. I just don’t care. If it’s someone I won’t have to interact with again or very often I will just nod, smile and bail as soon as possible. If it’s someone I interact with more frequently then I usually make a joke right away where I mix up some sports terminology (slam dunk the foot ball) and just make it known I neither know or care about sports and laugh about it.
What was supposed to happen? These reveal parties are like a week new to me. First heard about it in regard to the horrible incident last week where 2 gun men walked into such a party and shot everyone.