Thank you! I do get asked, “How are you?” or similar questions, but they seem to be asked more out of politeness rather than any actual desire for the true answer, so I often offer that I’m feeling fine, or some minor triviality related to the weather or the workload. I’ll answer here in more detail.
My attempts to reformat my perceptions are leaving me frustrated. I’m used to seeing the world, and all of my actions, in the light of how it can move me towards one goal, and even though I’ve made the decision to abandon that goal, the associated mental habits aren’t going away nearly as easily. I can pull back now, and see those habits as a manifestation of sheer desperation, but, like a phobia, I can’t let the rational part of my brain assert itself and cut out the irrational. If insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result, I don’t know how to describe doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting a different result that you no longer want. Or, at least, no longer want to want.
At work, I feel bitter, and abandoned. I have a coworker who is supposed to be sharing my workload, but he keeps not showing up for weeks at a time. He’s supposedly sick, and I feel horrible for doubting that’s the case, but the more time goes by, the less generous are my thoughts of him. At the very least, he’s being horribly inconsiderate by not giving enough details that we can make plans around his absences. I don’t need to know what’s wrong with him, but knowing how many hours he expects to work next week (and after hearing “I’ll be in tomorrow” enough times, it just becomes white noise) would be helpful.
At home, I feel like the fact that my driveway (thanks to my efforts and the milder weather) should soon be entirely clear of snow might be a good place to gather momentum from, in an attempt to give my place the deep-cleaning it so desperately needs. I always feel better when my house is in good shape, so that should in itself improve everything else, if I can follow through with it.
On the hill, I’ve been getting compliments on my skiing from an instructor, so that feels nice. My knees are not holding up as well as I’d like, given the conditioning I put in before the season and how little actual skiing I’ve been doing (my toes is frozing; I’ve finally given in and ordered boot heaters). But on the whole, I’m happy to be skiing again. It’s a catharsis I sorely need.
I’m getting slightly concerned by my inability to put down my phone for long. It’s another good reason for going up to where I ski, in that my Internet access doesn’t reach that area and I have to find other ways to occupy myself. I used to spend a lot more time reading novels, and the drop-off is uncharacteristic enough to be troubling.
Other than all of the above, I’m feeling fine.
How are you feeling?
