Ever think about how a conversation would go if you could travel back in time and talk to your younger self?
2023 me: Hi! I’m here from the future.
1990s me: Cool, I’m just listening to this awesome new Vanilla Ice tape.
2023 me: Oh yeah, he does Amish woodworking now.
1990s me: what?
2023 me: Well, since Martha Stewart got out of prison and her and Snoop Dogg started hanging out and cooking together, it seemed like the next natural step.
1990s me: wait, what?
2023 me: Well Bill Cosby got out of prison too, but nobody’s going to watch a show with him in it.
1990s me: Uhh…
2023 me: But all of that was before the game show host tried to launch a coup and sent the vegan viking shaman cosplayer to take over the capitol while everyone was on lockdown due to the pandemic.
1990s me: Ok, I don’t know what kinda drugs you’re on mister, but you need to leave.
Also that I’m autistic, other personal matters, some potential health problems, and so on. I’m not sure what to say about politics. That it’s fucked, but not quite as fucked as I’d expected, at least not yet.
the reason you can’t get up in the morning and you’re “weird” is because you have and have always had chronic depression. also, mom moving every couple years isn’t necessarily why you keep having academic and personal failures peppered with momentary successes. it’s because of the depression. the moves just exacerbate things. tell mom to fuck off with that.
Crohn’s disease is an immune system disorder not a personality defect; it causes stress rather than stress causing it (or is a vicious circle), it causes trauma on a continuing basis, and it does not have to be hidden but can be talked about. Oh, and you will meet a pedophile and an surgeon enabler, numerous doctors who are ignorant of anesthesia, an incompetent idiot who didn’t notice a that drug they prescribed was incompatible with a separate problem, and you will have a seizure disorder that will go undiagnosed for 12 years.
“If you transition you’ll not be an unlovable brick. You will have more love than you can possibly imagine and your life will be better in almost every way.”
I would tell myself that things will be ok. You will get to a point where it’s been years since you’ve wanted to kill yourself. You’ll find a love so wonderful and true, you can’t believe how lucky you are after 18 years. You’ll have a child and you won’t be like your mom. You will be a good mother.
