Ultra-traditionalist: does it have natural movement relative to the fixed stars?
Empirico-traditionalist: does it have measurable proper motion relative to the most distant observable stars?
Neo-ultra-traditionalist: does it have non-zero momentum relative to the cosmic microwave background?
Everything is a planet. Nearby space isn’t receding as fast as the cmb; if we use the cmb as our reference frame, it’s moving towards us.
It’s so nice to read something really funny for a change these days.
This makes me realize that having wandered at sea for ten years, Odysseus was literally plankton.
For the pedantic record though, you can’t really use the CMB as a reference frame like that. You can use the radiation from it, in which case you get our comoving frame, measuring our motion on top of the expansion of the universe. But the sources don’t form a single point of origin to use, coming from opposite sides of the visible universe.
Space Tug? Maybe they should have work-shopped that name a little.
This is Europe – it could have been the Raumschlepper!
Dépanneuse spatial.
Rimorchiatore spaziale europeo
Irmonk Spazjali Ewropew
Tug Spáis na hEorpa
Rimorchiatur spazial europeo
These dolphins are stealing the show!
“Off the coast of Tallahassee, FL, in the Gulf of America” 
Jeebus.
