Same here, especially the feeling that I’m not sure whether or not I ought to express an opinion, given my basic identification as “cis.”
But even as a kid, I didn’t hold to stereotypes; I was a “girls can do things too, my mom can fix cars and my dad likes to cook, I’m gonna do whatever I want to” person. The more people I got to know, the more I realized that womens’ experiences can vary, that we had both similarities and differences, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And once I got online, I got to interact with more people under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, and that taught me so, so much more (and TOP and this site have been a significant part of that-- thank you all! )
At the same time… there are a lot of cis people who’ve never thought about gender all that much. They didn’t get the opportunity to interact with much outside of what they consider “the norm” and so all the talk about gender just kind of… goes over their heads. It’s harder for them to see outside of their own experiences to other possibilities. So while some of us cis folks can have a more open mind, others don’t, and a lot of other elements factor in to that, like religion and politics, the era they grew up in, etc. How do we get that kind of person to take another look at it all? I don’t know. And I think that type of cis person is the type the article talks about, so I kinda see its point, even while I find myself thinking, “hey, we’re not a monolith either.” But then, as a cis person, I’m not even sure I’m part of that conversation.
I know there have been some cultures with priesthoods that we would consider trans today, and others that have been absolutely horrible to women and slightly worse to trans folks.
I’ve been reading Sacred Gender, which is about trans and nonbinary paganism. (It’s partly for trans folks and partly for cis folks who want to make their groups/practices more inclusive.) 20th century white-people-Paganism had some issues, including gender essentialism based on reproductive capability (as well as shoehorning most gods into the binary whether they fit or not.) Some groups are a lot better than that now, and some are TERFs.
I think the author’s idea that cis is a zero point, where you fit neatly into the socially constructed definitions of your gender, is key to understanding that essay. They talk a lot about how people who are ‘cis’ don’t fit neatly into that box, and asserting that you do implies that you buy fully into the narrative, including that trans people are deluded/perverted and are therefore transphobic.
I don’t buy it, but I see that as the main point they’re making.
It’s true, most people haven’t ever thought about their gender. They fit comfortably enough into the box they came in that they don’t have to spend any time analyzing it. When the topic does come up, they lack the language to discuss it and it usually makes them uncomfortable.
I’ve had a lot of discussions on gender with trans and cis people, and even cis allies are usually not well versed in the theory and language surrounding it. This is why, despite being nonbinary, in cis spaces I lean into the trans woman side, since most people kind of get it and I don’t have to spend 80% of the discussion educating them.
It also seems like there are layers upon layers. I learn so much from the trans folks here. I rarely contribute on these topics because, like the meme, I feel like a toddler trying to discuss quantum mechanics. But when I talk about gender or trans issues with my fellow cis people who are completely (instead of just mostly) clueless about it, that meme applies but I get to feel like Socrates in the new context…
I wish more people understood that feeling uncomfortable isn’t so bad-- it’s often a important step in learning and growing. Sure, it’s not fun, but there can be rewards on the other side…
That said, I don’t think I’d ever feel comfy claiming membership in a group I don’t really fit in. I might be a somewhat tomboy-ish woman, but I mostly fit in the cis box. No matter how much I might read or watch or listen to, I’ll never truly understand what being trans is like the way someone who lives it does. I can try to explain what I’ve learned, from my own perspective, in the hopes it might do some tiny good, but when it comes down to it, I can’t speak for trans folk. It’s not my place. The best I can do is support where I can. These days, it doesn’t feel like much.
I’m not sure if what I’m about to say might add some clarity, but here we go:
what gender you identify as is separate than the type of person you are attracted to.
I am aromantic- I don’t feel attraction for anyone. For a while, I internally identified as asexual (no gender), but I came around as genderqueer a few years ago, and trans on top of that. I do want to note that aromantic does not mean that I have no emotions, but just that I don’t feel that I’m attracted to anyone in the way most (to use the crude term) sex-havers feel.
Gender and romanticism are not binaries, but axis on a multi-dimensional graph, and with no ‘wrong’ answers- we are all unique, and these two things can change as we live and add our lived-in experiences to what makes us who we are.
I spent 40+ years thinking I was a certain thing because of what my anatomy is, but at some level in my mind, it never fit right, and I grew increasingly unhappy until I really started looking into myself nearly ten years ago, and found that my mental self-image doesn’t match this meat mecha I’m piloting; It was a little over two years ago that I found that, with the right vanity covers, my physical self that I saw in the mirror matched my self image, and almost a year ago I started on HRT to start the process of, well, transforming my body to closer match what I saw in the mirror when my egg finally cracked.
You have an open mind, a capacity for empathy, and a desire to support us, which is really all most trans people are asking for, and for that, I thank you.
So much this. If we could just get over ourselves on having to put a label on everyone we would lead much happier lives. I tell kids all the time that the only time knowing all the details about someone else is if you are interested in a romantic relationship with them. And if you are, for God’s sake, talk to them!! It shouldn’t be that much of a mystery, and it shouldn’t be that hard. People are different, and you have to be OK with that.
I’m not sure what being sex-havers has to do with it. I’m an aromantic pansexual. I thought the distinction was lack of romantic feelings or relationships, not sexual attraction.
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