Maybe it’s projecting but I do think there is a real problem with loneliness. We live in a world where our shared spaces have been gutted and everyone pointed at commodified versions instead. Social media and dating apps in place of community doesn’t work for everyone. But of course nobody cares about that, and instead we only hear this stupid gendered version about how unfair it is women would rather be alone than abused. 
Oh, I absolutely agree on that as an issue. I just think it’s also being used to excuse away some really shitty behavior.
Yeah, very much true…
My mother is a 70+ yo woman who left an abusive marriage and moved to a small town where she is the only non religious person. Loneliness is very common among old women.
People never are thinking of women like this because honestly they want them dead. They don’t exist in the narratives we care about in the cultural cesspits that exist online for sure.
So yeah unfortunately one of the problems with our lonely and alienated society is that the narcissism of inexperienced angry male children can be endlessly exploited to kill us all apparently.
I would argue that the emphasis on male-female romantic/sexual relationships is a significant part of the problem. You can get lots of human socializing out in public spaces if you’re not focused on ‘must find a girl to have sex with me or my life is empty’. Sex is not the primary source of human interaction that it’s been made out to be.
I’ve noticed that according to recent polls, younger generations seem to have pulled back on being so focused on sex. Maybe they’ve figured out that they’ve been sold a load of bull.
Yes, and to add to that, the specific notion of male/female romantic relationships we’re sold in the US is pretty harmful. We’re taught from a pretty young age that serial monogamy is the only “respectable” way to grow into the world of sexuality. At least us wimmins are. It can be quite damaging.
I went to Europe after Highschool (mid-nineties) and was really surprised how the people my age there thought about sex and romance. They were much more likely to think of it as a time of exploration and having fun with each other, not this intense societal pressure to connect “true love” with sex. They instead connected things like like-mindedness, and compatibility with sex. There was no assumption that every dating partner had to be a candidate to be “the one.” And less of the yucky proprietary mindset that seems to accompany so many romantic relationships I’d seen. It seemed so refreshing and honest compared to how I grew up.
Of course, I was still a repressed kid, so only enjoyed it from an anthropological angle at the time, but it was nice to see that what I considered “normal” was in fact just one of many options for approaching sex, romance, and love.
I would say the purity culture has blown right past the “prude” stage even in toxicity.
From what I see of our culture it seems young people have been raised to be unable love anyone as anything but a possession and a tool. There is a lover and an object. There is a master and a servant. Never two lovers.
Under such conditions, if they want to experience the latter, they have to overcome a lot to even try.
If some of the younger ones are realizing this is a trap early though then good for them!
I would also choose the bear.
Interesting, and a message that I wish more dudes would listen to. Yeah, whenever I see a hypermacho ripped man (I guess the term now is shredded), I wonder about all those many, many hours he spent in a gym, just so he can look good to other guys (even though he doesn’t realize that).
It’s done real damage. To the point where when I tell my own husband I think he is attractive he doesn’t believe it fully. Like there is a point where you start looking less healthy and functional because frankly you live a weird compulsion-dependent life now and your body shows it. Much like extremely emaciated women with large breast implants and lip injections… it’s a niche. Meanwhile one of the most universally attractive features a person can have is cheerful looking eyes.
In her Bluesky thread, one of the responses speaks to this directly:
A decent amount of time when I go to the locker room at the gym there’s a dude flexing in the mirror and admiring himself, and I always think “looks like you’ve found your partner” when I do.
Intelligence is hugely attractive. And a sense of humour.
And even in long term male-female romantic/sexual relationships, the sex part is a tiny part; the rest is watching tv, having meals, sleeping (actually sleeping), doing chores, going places in the car or on transit, etc.
And/or, to a very specific type of woman.
Like, it’s fine if that’s who you want to attract, but that caveat is never explicit.
Someone was telling me about a guy, somewhat famous guy I didn’t recognize, said how as an adolescent he was “the funny one,” and never got the girls. He noticed the guys who got the girls were very serious, so he squelched the humorous part of himself to be very serious, and it worked. He got the girls. Later he lamented that society had repressed his spark of humor.
But he didn’t recognize (as far as I could tell from the story) that it was his desire to attract a certain kind of girl that made him do that. Plenty of girls like guys who make them laugh. Just maybe not the ones who outwardly looked like he wanted. 
I knew it was time to propose to my now-wife when I noticed how well we fight (among other things). Seriously, it’s sometimes angry but we always try to be respectful, settle things, and learn something new about each other.
It’s not just women, btw. If I, as a heterosexual man, had been asked without further context who was more attractive, I would have chosen the before picture as well. Also, the before is a perfectly fit man, not husky or fat as some of the comments say in the article. Of the two, I think the before is healthier than the after.
Jesus. Be careful who you have sex with!
Interesting comment – makes sense to me:
It’s because they felt emotionally vulnerable for a short period of time. A lot of these are the men who as boys were demeaned and abused if they showed any emotional vulnerability. They’re the boys who were called gay if they hugged their mums, or cared about an animal. They’re the children of men who were probably gay and saw any emotion as an attack on their self-imposed “heterosexuality”. Now, anytime they feel emotionally vulnerable they want to destroy the thing that made them feel that way because it comes from a place of intense self-disgust.
I’m not saying that to make anyone feel sorry for them. They’re emotionally damaged by emotionally damaged men. The only person who can save them, is them. Never try to save one of these men, they’ll destroy you if you even try to guide them to a healthier place. These men can only change themselves.
But they are damaged. They are the deeply damaged sons of deeply damaged men.
The rest of them have been brought to this place by the Andrew Taints of the word (yes I do know his name isn’t taint, but it is really, isn’t it). Men desire connection and approval of other men. They desire this so deeply they’ll twist themselves into knots to get it. The men who fall for this nonsense are deeply, deeply insecure. They have no idea who they are and they’ll listen to any snake oil salesman who can give them an identity.
I think it’s fine to feel sorry for them personally. However I think no one should ever date some one they feel sorry for.
I don’t mean avoid empathy. But imo some one who has struggled should be some one you admire for what they have overcome and who they have become. If you feel sorry for them then some part of you knows they are not that, at the very least. One of you is likely to have a dangerous power imbalance and that’s just not a great place for a relationship to start off from.
Pity, contempt, lack of respect… these are all kind of synonyms. But, like, some people are not worthy of your respect too really. Like if someone behaves in a repulsive and offensive matter it’s totally fine to ice that out or combat it.