psst… Do you recall Madame Scallopini’s lesson on posthole digging? It is best not to apologize prior to being called out for your shortcomings. That way, your shortcomings are most likely unnoticed by most.
9 Likes
The messages have finally gotten clearly to St-Patrick-Hartbrooke, and he stops by Hartbrooke Hall to pick up the ledger. Coincidentally, his father’s butler, Jeremy is there (as he always is), so he decides to make use of this additional resource.
“Jeremy, could you please bring me a copy of Customs of the Aurient, the Code Duello (Weatherby Edition), and the by-laws of the Leviathan Club? I must research the subject of a car-oak duel to the death.”
“At once, sah, although, if I may the libahty…”
The Space Griffin cocks his head at the butler. “Yes?”
“I believe the wohd is pronounced ‘kah-rah-oh-keh,’ or, in the vulgah sense, ‘kay-ree-OH-kee.’”
“My thanks, Jeremy.”
The butler bows and retreats to the library to retrieve the specified resources, while the Taaa’Keee practices the pronunciation of the unfamiliar word.
When the servant returns, St-Patrick-Hartbrooke stands to take the books from him, and asks, “Karaoke?”
“Indeed, sah.”
With a curt nod, he sits back down and starts his research.
After reading Customs of the Aurient, St-Patrick-Hartbrooke summons Jeremy again.
“Sah?”
“Am I understanding this correctly, Jeremy? This… karaoke… is a competition of musical ability?”
“Vocal ability only, sah; the instrumental poahtion is provided, and one must replicate the vocals of the original song, adding, of coahse, pehsonal embellishment to suit one’s own taste.”
“I do not understand, Jeremy. I specifically and explicitly stated that this was to be a duel to the death. I threw down the sinister glove, as well; there should have been no ambiguity! Unless that one’s species can kill or be killed through music…”
“Probahbly not, sah, but Leviathan’s has the means foah the fatal duel to occah. If you’ll refahrence the chaptah on duelling?”
The gentleman turns to the page in question and starts reading. “Ah. The rules seem fair enough. Unusual, but fair. Well, then, let us start preparations.”
“You do not wish to dispute the absuhd choice of weapons, sah? It is youah right, undah the Code Duello.”
"Jeremy, I am Taaa’keeen. We may be more raptor than songbird, but song is part of our mating behaviour, precise timing built into our native language, and my own lyricism has been honed by long years at finishing school. I would prefer to duel with plasma pistols, but if that one’s weapon of choice is song… I will make <pleasing hum>(@manwich) rue that choice. "
St-Patrich-Hartbrooke frowns for a moment, thinking of the consequences of disputing the weapon choice.
“Perhaps if the choice of weapons were not an absolute right… But if I dispute it, it gives the challenged party the ability to withdraw honourably, and I will not let that being escape the consequences for its actions. No, if that one wishes to wager its life on a test of its singing ability against mine — although I cannot see how a being incapable of vocalizing intends to win a duel of vocal ability — then so be it. A pen, and paper, Jeremy. I must send word to Mr. Karekin(@David_Falkayn) of my acceptance of the terms of the duel.”
13 Likes
[Upon overhearing the choice of weapon declared by <pleasing hum> (@manwich) Rumpthwaite suddenly pauses while cleaning the glassware.]
“Yes, of course,” he mutters to himself under his breath. “Rowdier members almost always Space Lobsters have expressed a preference for enhancing KaraokeBot with haptic suits, holometric projectors, and neural interfaces to engage in a more physically aggressive ‘Combat Karaoke’. Chords can be experienced as contusions, lyrics as lacerations, and beats as proper beatings. Generally not lethal, but when set to maximum output with the safety features disabled the experience can become truly fatal as one Mr. Charles Fromage discovered most accidentally in 2407.”
[Although he cannot act in the capacity of second, the old moose begins to retrieve the requested enhancements from the storage room of the club, afeared for what is about to take place.]
12 Likes
This duel is rather exciting. I don’t have much use for a musical d6, but I’d pay good money for the cadaver of any biology-based life forms. Say, 500 £ to a ward, or favorite nephew? Er, not that I’m wishing ill on anyone useful to my research, but you never know what may happen.
11 Likes
St-Patrick-Hartbrooke, updating his Last Will and Testament due to the risk involved in the duel, specifies that his body should be given a Christian burial, and by no means given to scientists for study, mad or otherwise.
12 Likes
An Extended Treatise on Responsible SandFishery
Karekin Fisheries proudly operates the largest fishery the new Territories. We are even prouder of how we operate, both in being the largest “Catch and Release” operation on Weatherby and one of only five Sandfisheries outside the Hokkaido Zone to earn 刺身グレード due to the extreme care we take with our largest sandfish.
Most fisheries, especially the smaller ones that struggle to overcome their fixed costs, sell everything they harvest, even though most of the biomass they vacuum out of the ecosystem has little or no market value. This “bycatch” slightly increases short term profitability but destroys the long term health of the ecosystem.
Karekin Fisheries has partnered with leading conservation programs - including several elements of UFOS - to maintain the long term health of our fishery by releasing much of our “bycatch” back into the sea - or not catching it in the first place.
Our greatest innovation, however, is in the treatment and handling of our largest Sandfish. These individuals generate the greatest profits and have the greatest possibilities .
As Encyclopedia Brittanica Prime reminds us "Sandfish take decades to reach their largest size, and the largest ones are the most sought after for their sweetness. "
Given the current high prices for mature sandfish, most fisheries seek out the largest specimens for the immediate profit, destroying the longterm health of the fishery.
Sandfish breed by the “spray and pray” method, where each individual releases gametes into the open ocean in proportion to their size. Thus, a 30 stone sandfish is thirty times more likely to parent a new sandfish than a 1 stone sandfish. In a healthy fishery, most of the gametes are from the “fittest” ( largest, longest lived, and tastiest) individuals. However, if one exterminates the large, easily caught mature individuals, the next generation of sandfish are dominated by smaller, less tasty individuals whose “fitness” is defined by their ability to evade trawling nets.
Karekin fisheries has taken a radically different approach. We have caught, tagged, and released as many individuals over 20 Stone as possible. Why would we release our most valuable catch back into open sea? Because these rare individuals are many times more valuable if we can deliver them alive and unstressed to the discerning customers such as those in Tsukiji.
We negotiate with a particular buyer for an individual sandfish with specific characteristics. This allows us to sell each individual sandfish at a peak price, while leaving the rest of our population healthy and growing in their natural habitat. Upon agreement the buyer sends a specialist, often UFOS certified, to Weatherby to ensure that that specimen is removed from the environment in the gentlest manner possible and is in good health when loaded for departure. Often the sandfish does not appear to be aware is has left the sea and is headed for the stars.
These are the large sandfish Weatherby’s schoolchildren see in the “tanks” (actually carefully designed sandfish habitats) when they visit on school tours.
In addition. we maintain a small population of exceptional individuals in a separate, secure facility. These prized sandfish are not for sale, but for study. Our hope is that they are sentient.
Commander Piker and his ward are welcome to visit anytime, just like Weatherby’s school children. He may also make supervised visits to our secure facility. However, given the wantonly irresponsibility displayed on occasion by his ward, we ask that he and especially his ward take a one-day orientation course.
The off-worlder is also welcome to set up his advanced listening network across our holdings. All we ask is that he first post all of the source code as Open Source, as any responsible scientist would do.
At Your Service,
Mr Jules Karekin.
10 Likes
My dear St-Patrick-Hartbrooke we must help you prepare for your duel. Have you picked out our songs yet? I suggest that one with a rising tempo might give you the he upper hand. I don’t believe that the evil hum is very rhythmically inclined.
9 Likes
Men and women of the Leviathan Club
Who’s Who of Weatherby
Announces prepublication call for entry submissions.
–
Have you achieved great things?
Are you a prominent or notable person?
–
Hundreds of Weatherby’s greatest persons are listed.
All you have to do is submit an entry for publication and a DNA sample for verification.
Balderok Finagle
Editor-in-Chief
Who’s Who of Weatherby
‡ Offer only open to paid and current members of the Leviathan Club. No fee is required for entry submission. Copies available upon publication for the nominal sum of 45£. Send for a complimentary submission form and DNA swab to:
Who’s Who of Weatherby
Entry Submission Department
PO Box 4288
Upper Doddardham-on-Curd
Ponsfleischmann Green
Weatherby, Weatherby, Weatherby System
73206-1354-73 PU
10 Likes
St-Patrick-Hartbrooke enters the door again; if, the last time he appeared, he had looked healthy, now he looks energized and invigorated. His feathers shine in the Club’s light, almost glowing with their own internal radiance, and he moves with the ease of someone without even the shadow of illness.
As his overcoat is removed, it can be seen that he is dressed slightly less formally than usual; his clothes are looser-fitting, providing a greater ease of movement, with fewer frills and laces to provide snags, and his cravat is only loosely fastened. If anyone is surprised that the Space Griffin has a specific outfit for duelling, they should probably make an appointment to get their sensory organs checked.
As Miss Farnsworth (@Hadley) greets him, he bows slightly to her, and returns her concern with an easy smile.
“Come now, Miss Farnsworth; you act as if the outcome is in any hands but God’s now. My songs are chosen — and, as I have been rehearsing, I would not care to change them at this date — and preparations are all but complete. So, do not worry, fair miss: all will go as God wills it.”
As @Rumpthwaite passes, St-Patrick-Hartbrooke, along with a tip, passes him the following note for his second, Mr. Karekin (@David_Falkayn):
Song choices, St-Patrick-Hartbrooke:
Greensleeves - folk song popular in historical Regency Era
The Impossible Dream - a song about fighting the good fight
On Eagles’ Wings - A hymnConditions for reconciliation without a duel (if asked):
- Public apology to all, and acknowledgement of the damage done and lives lost, as well as taking personal responsibility and admitting fault, for falsely promising the contribution of money towards plague relief efforts
- Public apology to Messrs St-Patrick-Hartbrooke and Karekin for continuing the charade after their endorsements, and public admission that they had no knowledge of, and gained no benefit by, the deception
- Forfeit to the Crown of lands with total income equal to or exceeding the funds promised to the relief effort (relinquishing what was gained through the actions taken)
- Contribution of the same amount in cash to the New Britannia Royal College of Medicine (forfeiting one season’s income from properties gained through the actions taken)
Although the above is merely taking back what was directly gained by the duplicitous action and not actually leaving the offensive personage any worse off than if there had been no duplicity, the challenged party’s recent string of bad luck leaves me disinclined to pursue further punishment — it seems this has already been taken care of.
The formalities now dealt with, the Taaa’keee resumes his conversations, while waiting for the signal from the seconds that the duel is ready to begin.
“I hear, my dear Miss Farnsworth, that you have employed a Marshall. I do hope that you will not be in need of one, even as the New Prussians continue their bellicose swaggering.”
11 Likes
bzzzt!
As sever-al cycles have transpired without the offer of a second for <pleasing hum> @manwich, I am authorized to engage my Synthetic Observational Sentient protocol. The S.O.S. protocol allows an artificial construct such as my-self to act as a second in a duel should such ser-vice be needed.
Mr. <pleasing hum>, I implore you to select three songs to perform in this zzzzzzz Combat Karaoke. You have been challenged and it would be a terrible shame plus and also a resulting loss of rank to refuse terms now.
zoot!
11 Likes
Liv smiles, just slightly, before adjusting his silk and silver gloves (silk for fashion and strength, silver for the anti-bacterial properties, just in case), and double-checking the contents of the elegantly engraved (axes, what else) silver flask in his pocket. Not that he’d want to drink the stuff – just because he has a doctor on hand doesn’t mean he’ll risk his health by swigging that.
“Dr. Franksenketchup (@old). I’ve been meaning to ask, but never quite gotten the opportunity. Would you please tell me about your fascinating work? What kind of experiments do you do?”
8 Likes
My dear St-Patrick-hartbrook it is always good to be prepared just Incase. But actually I did not hire a Marshall. I’m too busy amassing my media empire to spend money on hat kind d thing. I hope after you win our duel you will write an opinion piec about your experience for my newspaper.
Your song choices are perfect. I’m sure you will prevail over the evil hum.
9 Likes
“Oh, I absolutely agree that preparedness is crucial. After all, the Lord will lighten your burdens, but He will not carry them for you. If you’ll excuse me a moment.”
@Rumpthwaite passes again, and St-Patrick-Hartbrooke flags him down.
“Rumpthwaite, would you be so kind as to keep me supplied with glasses of water until the duel ends? I mustn’t risk my throat with anything stronger – but if you’d chill some champagne to toast in case of a victory, I will certainly be able to drink it then.”
With a smile, the Space Griffin turns back to Miss Farnsworth (@Hadley).
“I do beg your pardon, but there is so much to take care of on a day like today. Where was I? Ah, yes, the Marshal.”
The Taaa’keee reflects for a moment than shakes his head. “I might have taken an oath that it was your name I saw next to that particular item in the society papers. I must have been mistaken; I apologize, for I must be confusing you with one of the other august personages who frequents Leviathan’s.”
@Rumpthwaite returns, and St-Patrick-Hartbrooke takes a miniscule sip of the water to keep his throat moist.
“How is your ‘media empire’ faring? I have seen your publication advertised, but it seems the Space Times is, for the moment, the preferred newspaper of the well-to-do. Still, assuming that I survive the day, I would happily contribute a story to your esteemed broadsheet.”
10 Likes
Ah, Liv @MalevolentPixy old friend. I’ve always liked you very much and I’ve always liked hearing your name. Easy to remember, easy to spell, easy to pronounce. Why, some days I forget what I call myself, but I never forget your name. And I do fondly recall our days at Major Humdinger’s Reform School for Children of Gifted Genius. What a place, what a time. Seems ages ago, really. I have to admit, I’m still a bit terrified of the Major, grouchy old bear that he is, or was for all I know. Remember when it was Jenks turn for table service and he spilt the Major’s plate full in his lap? Good God, I’ve never been so afraid. The Major caned Jenks within an inch of his life, too as I recall.
Anyhow, enough reminiscing about good times gone by. You asked about my experiments, didn’t you? Well, I have a full laboratory in the basement over at Castle Ponsfleischmann. It’s a gentleman’s hobby really, puttering around down there, late at night, when the world is dark and quiet, and I’m not apt to be disturbed. I do some experiments on Weatherby’s unique and unstudied natural phenomena. Olfactory lightning for one. Completely unknown offplanet and to my knowledge, completely unstudied apart from my puttering. Smells of opportunity to me.
And I dabble a bit in genetics at the molecular level, making new breeds and genomic improvements. I’ve made great changes in the breeding stock down at my lagoderm ranch. And occasionally I’ll create a cross-creature for the amusement of my friends, or for entrepreneurial reasons.
There are failures too. I tried crossing a newspaper and a zebra the other day and it came out black and white and blue all over. And that was before it fell down any staircases. Speaking of which, tell me all about the newspaper business. It sounds as though you have quite the enterprise…
The rumors? Not true at all! This is indeed my real beard. Give it a tug. No? Igor, come here and tug my beard you ungrateful fribble. OW!!! See? Completely real. Oh, those rumors. No, also false. I’m not about to clone a secret army of zombie lagoderms. Eh? The plague? Alas, that’s not my doing either. I’m quite infected myself. [cough} Cloning prominent members of society so as to secretly usurp their fortunes? [cough, cough, cough] Damn this plague! [COUGH]
Oh, I see you’ve finished your drink, Liv. Will you please allow Igor to take your sample, er, empty glass and get you another? Igor! Where’s he off to now?
12 Likes
Liv closes his hand around his glass. He saw this one coming. “Not quite done, yet.” He splashes some liquid from his flask into the glass, then fumbles, spilling the contents onto the table. “Oh, dear.” He pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and begins to wipe things up, ensuring that he includes the glass in his ministrations. “How clumsy of me, I am sorry.” Between the fluid and the cleaning, he’s pretty sure that even if Franksenketchup does get hold of the glass, all he’ll get is silica.
“No worries, I will take this to @RUMPTHWAITE myself.” He stands up, still smiling, and nods at the man across from him. “Here’s hoping for the best of outcomes for your endeavours, Doctor.” So, the ramblings of a madman, or is there something else?
13 Likes
Extremely happy *sisters* should *dance* with each other for *celebration*.
So much enjoyment! @Ssskidwish is second. @Bartlebot is third. @nimelennar is *ordinal*. @manwich is fifth. You are so many *lonely* *juicy* *bubbles*. It is so sad.
*auditory protuberance* 1: [crowd pleasin’]
*auditory protuberance* 2: [energy seizin’]
*auditory protuberance* 3: [body leavin’]
[You feel a sense of loss. Something familiar is missing.]
12 Likes
[The batwing doors slam open, and a fashionably-dressed young Reptiloid heiress stands on the threshold, eyes blazing.]
“Ssskidwish! How dare you!”
9 Likes
Keep it down, couthin. I know what I’m doing.
9 Likes