[ walks over to bulletin board to see what’s been posted there ]
Damn eyepatch, so much harder to read without my monocle.
[ reads Karekin’s screed and GASPS ]
[ finds himself at a loss for words ]
[ heads for the library, hoping to find a pen and some paper there ]
[Stands up and clinks a knife against his glass altogether too loudly]
Fellow Leviathals, er Leviathanians… rather Leviathans. Yes, Fellow Leviathans, allow me to remind you that the club register shows today as the birthday of our esteemed fellow Reginald Obrigado Ursula Knick-Knack Dipsmith, uh… or something along those lines, and better know to his friends as Rounder @ghoti . Huzzah!
Now I don’t pretend to understand the physics behind the calculation of how a Space Felix Silvestris Castus moves through one dimension of time, let alone nine, but I do know that according to the register, our own Rounder has today finished another trip around Weatherby System Sol. We salute you, old bean, as a little older, and heh, heh, if I may be so bold, a little Rounder.
Now my friend, allow me to present a small token of our esteem. Yes, it’s something I’ve cooked up in the lab, but a lot of brainstorming went into its design and it’s really from all of us.
I’ve managed to cross a lagoderm with a boomarang to create a one-of-a-kind creature.
Many Hoppy Returns.
St-Patrick-Hartbrooke is still awaiting a response. For some reason, the respondent of his challenge has sent a note in an unsigned ledger to his father’s apartment (his father being Aaaakzeee St-Patrick-Hartbrooke II, a businessman of some note), and his father can make neither heads nor tails of the accompanying message.
The father’s son, the challenger in said duel, might have been better able to guess the provenance of said ledger, but perhaps would have just as much difficulty deciphering the intended message.
Aaaakzeee St-Patrick-Hartbrooke III, true to his promise, starts drafting letters to the various Weatherbean publications to expose his foe’s perfidy, along with a quick note to his second to check if Mr. Karekin (@David_Falkayn) has heard anything from (@manwich) or his second.
only this cryptic image
I am *expanding!* It is so much *squishy* to *smell* you!
Weapons are delivered to *tiny wet cave*. Next I will *spit* *slow time* words to you for better *dancing*.
Another letter, hand-written in a lavish, flowing script, has been pinned on the board next to the original.
Gentlebeings of the Leviathan Club,
A recent missive has raised the rather intriguing, if fanciful, notion of the existence of sentient sandfish. It has also carelessly bandied about such inflammatory terms as “murder” and “sentientslaughter”, which seem entirely unwarranted when applied to the likes of Commander Piker @fintastic, who is, one may be reminded, a True Citizen and, more importantly, a Member in Good Standing of this very Club!
Likewise, the honour and integrity of the Rothschild-Landau’s can not be doubted. And their reputation for mercantile acumen is unbounded, certainly far in excess of my own, so I can only hope that I may one day understand the secrets by which a Fishery can remain profitable by releasing its catch.
I find Mr. Karekin’s @David_Falkayn enthusiasm contagious and, in the spirit of Philosophical Inquiry, I wholeheartedly support the impetus for further investigation into the matter of the possible existence, maybe, of sentient sandfish. Young Walleye @Chewseen has already made a fine start with his Nautical Echolinguistict Traps (NET) devices, which will surely have more practical applications in other fields should they fail to snare their intended quarry in this one.
Nevertheless, I must counsel both patience and caution, lest our excitement hie away with our reason. While much is unknown about the largest exemplars of the species (which are understandably quite difficult to study in situ), the finest minds of Charybdis have to date noticed no evidence of any higher functions in the brains (such as they are) of sandfish. Indeed, the venerable Encyclopedia Britannia Prime makes no mention of even a hint of such qualities in its entry on the subject.
In summation: Extraordinary claims require Extraordinary evidence, and we should take due time to make appropriately rigorous observations, followed by an equally thorough analysis of the data collected. The tenets of Natural Philosophy demand no less!
Despite the accolades such a discovery would surely inspire, I fear it’s much more likely that the only way to truly “do harm” to a sandfish would be to drown it in crème de tartar prior to serving it.
Your humble servant,
Jean-Rhys Witherspoon Wilhelmina Winnifred Rodchaser née Westingham
Weatherby University Distinguished Professorship &tc.
@Rumpthwaite , would you kindly serve as witness.
@bartlebot, would you kindly record.
To any publishers present, feel free to publish a report.
apporaches Mr. Karekin’s booth. Bows slightly.
Honorable Mr. Jules Rothschild Karekin,
I have read your extensive letter to the editors of the Weatherby Space Times, of the city of Weatherby, on the planet of Weatherby, in the system of Weatherby.
Since you seem to prefer publishing alternative facts, may I kindly remind you that I neither own or operate any fishery.
Now, if you are becoming a man of conscience, it is within your power to suspend or divest yourself from your fish harvesting operations.
Alternatively, if you are becoming civically minded, perhaps you would deign to champion improved regulation and oversight of the fishing businesses on Weatherby.
As it stands, as summer comes to a close, we have finished the upgrades to our .NETS devices and are prepared to survey your fisheries, as you had previously been amenable to.
Elsewhise, if you have changed your mind, as is certainly your prerogative, we shall proceed with the next fishery that has granted us consent.
Please do advise post-haste; Winter is coming.
V_Lady Elizabeth proudly posts a paper on the bulletin. She steps back, tilts her head, adjusts it a little. The. She smiles and goes to the bar._
the Sea Teas flibbertigibbet v. I
Plague continues to spread.
Evil hum labeled social periah of the season.
Threat level raised to orange as threat from New Prussian rises
Creibile sources say there are numourous spies among us.
Letter to the editor,
Ensign Walleye and his Captain need to be investigated. Walleye admitted what this project is capable of
" making the Nautical Echolinguistict Traps that will capture any sub-seaonic chatter that may be occurring in any local lakes, streams, or byways."
yes, a planet wide listening system that can pick up any conversation in or close to the water. King Grigori’s fondness for the sea is well known.
There are indeed highly effective listening devises. capable of extracting full linguistic content from the background. As advertised.
However, they have additional "undocumented Features. " They “phone home.” This is they send packets of information off-world. Much of the information appears to be go the MicroSerf servers in Puget Cluster. Alarming, but hardly surprising for a .NET device. However, other information seems to be bound for … New Prussia.
We must protect our new home from outside interference.
Editorial Board of Sea Teas F. endorses
Mayor, Harriet Tidewell
psst… Do you recall Madame Scallopini’s lesson on posthole digging? It is best not to apologize prior to being called out for your shortcomings. That way, your shortcomings are most likely unnoticed by most.
The messages have finally gotten clearly to St-Patrick-Hartbrooke, and he stops by Hartbrooke Hall to pick up the ledger. Coincidentally, his father’s butler, Jeremy is there (as he always is), so he decides to make use of this additional resource.
“Jeremy, could you please bring me a copy of Customs of the Aurient, the Code Duello (Weatherby Edition), and the by-laws of the Leviathan Club? I must research the subject of a car-oak duel to the death.”
“At once, sah, although, if I may the libahty…”
The Space Griffin cocks his head at the butler. “Yes?”
“I believe the wohd is pronounced ‘kah-rah-oh-keh,’ or, in the vulgah sense, ‘kay-ree-OH-kee.’”
“My thanks, Jeremy.”
The butler bows and retreats to the library to retrieve the specified resources, while the Taaa’Keee practices the pronunciation of the unfamiliar word.
When the servant returns, St-Patrick-Hartbrooke stands to take the books from him, and asks, “Karaoke?”
“Indeed, sah.”
With a curt nod, he sits back down and starts his research.
After reading Customs of the Aurient, St-Patrick-Hartbrooke summons Jeremy again.
“Sah?”
“Am I understanding this correctly, Jeremy? This… karaoke… is a competition of musical ability?”
“Vocal ability only, sah; the instrumental poahtion is provided, and one must replicate the vocals of the original song, adding, of coahse, pehsonal embellishment to suit one’s own taste.”
“I do not understand, Jeremy. I specifically and explicitly stated that this was to be a duel to the death. I threw down the sinister glove, as well; there should have been no ambiguity! Unless that one’s species can kill or be killed through music…”
“Probahbly not, sah, but Leviathan’s has the means foah the fatal duel to occah. If you’ll refahrence the chaptah on duelling?”
The gentleman turns to the page in question and starts reading. “Ah. The rules seem fair enough. Unusual, but fair. Well, then, let us start preparations.”
“You do not wish to dispute the absuhd choice of weapons, sah? It is youah right, undah the Code Duello.”
"Jeremy, I am Taaa’keeen. We may be more raptor than songbird, but song is part of our mating behaviour, precise timing built into our native language, and my own lyricism has been honed by long years at finishing school. I would prefer to duel with plasma pistols, but if that one’s weapon of choice is song… I will make <pleasing hum>(@manwich) rue that choice. "
St-Patrich-Hartbrooke frowns for a moment, thinking of the consequences of disputing the weapon choice.
“Perhaps if the choice of weapons were not an absolute right… But if I dispute it, it gives the challenged party the ability to withdraw honourably, and I will not let that being escape the consequences for its actions. No, if that one wishes to wager its life on a test of its singing ability against mine — although I cannot see how a being incapable of vocalizing intends to win a duel of vocal ability — then so be it. A pen, and paper, Jeremy. I must send word to Mr. Karekin(@David_Falkayn) of my acceptance of the terms of the duel.”
[Upon overhearing the choice of weapon declared by <pleasing hum> (@manwich) Rumpthwaite suddenly pauses while cleaning the glassware.]
“Yes, of course,” he mutters to himself under his breath. “Rowdier members almost always Space Lobsters have expressed a preference for enhancing KaraokeBot with haptic suits, holometric projectors, and neural interfaces to engage in a more physically aggressive ‘Combat Karaoke’. Chords can be experienced as contusions, lyrics as lacerations, and beats as proper beatings. Generally not lethal, but when set to maximum output with the safety features disabled the experience can become truly fatal as one Mr. Charles Fromage discovered most accidentally in 2407.”
[Although he cannot act in the capacity of second, the old moose begins to retrieve the requested enhancements from the storage room of the club, afeared for what is about to take place.]
This duel is rather exciting. I don’t have much use for a musical d6, but I’d pay good money for the cadaver of any biology-based life forms. Say, 500 £ to a ward, or favorite nephew? Er, not that I’m wishing ill on anyone useful to my research, but you never know what may happen.
St-Patrick-Hartbrooke, updating his Last Will and Testament due to the risk involved in the duel, specifies that his body should be given a Christian burial, and by no means given to scientists for study, mad or otherwise.
An Extended Treatise on Responsible SandFishery
Karekin Fisheries proudly operates the largest fishery the new Territories. We are even prouder of how we operate, both in being the largest “Catch and Release” operation on Weatherby and one of only five Sandfisheries outside the Hokkaido Zone to earn 刺身グレード due to the extreme care we take with our largest sandfish.
Most fisheries, especially the smaller ones that struggle to overcome their fixed costs, sell everything they harvest, even though most of the biomass they vacuum out of the ecosystem has little or no market value. This “bycatch” slightly increases short term profitability but destroys the long term health of the ecosystem.
Karekin Fisheries has partnered with leading conservation programs - including several elements of UFOS - to maintain the long term health of our fishery by releasing much of our “bycatch” back into the sea - or not catching it in the first place.
Our greatest innovation, however, is in the treatment and handling of our largest Sandfish. These individuals generate the greatest profits and have the greatest possibilities .
As Encyclopedia Brittanica Prime reminds us "Sandfish take decades to reach their largest size, and the largest ones are the most sought after for their sweetness. "
Given the current high prices for mature sandfish, most fisheries seek out the largest specimens for the immediate profit, destroying the longterm health of the fishery.
Sandfish breed by the “spray and pray” method, where each individual releases gametes into the open ocean in proportion to their size. Thus, a 30 stone sandfish is thirty times more likely to parent a new sandfish than a 1 stone sandfish. In a healthy fishery, most of the gametes are from the “fittest” ( largest, longest lived, and tastiest) individuals. However, if one exterminates the large, easily caught mature individuals, the next generation of sandfish are dominated by smaller, less tasty individuals whose “fitness” is defined by their ability to evade trawling nets.
Karekin fisheries has taken a radically different approach. We have caught, tagged, and released as many individuals over 20 Stone as possible. Why would we release our most valuable catch back into open sea? Because these rare individuals are many times more valuable if we can deliver them alive and unstressed to the discerning customers such as those in Tsukiji.
We negotiate with a particular buyer for an individual sandfish with specific characteristics. This allows us to sell each individual sandfish at a peak price, while leaving the rest of our population healthy and growing in their natural habitat. Upon agreement the buyer sends a specialist, often UFOS certified, to Weatherby to ensure that that specimen is removed from the environment in the gentlest manner possible and is in good health when loaded for departure. Often the sandfish does not appear to be aware is has left the sea and is headed for the stars.
These are the large sandfish Weatherby’s schoolchildren see in the “tanks” (actually carefully designed sandfish habitats) when they visit on school tours.
In addition. we maintain a small population of exceptional individuals in a separate, secure facility. These prized sandfish are not for sale, but for study. Our hope is that they are sentient.
Commander Piker and his ward are welcome to visit anytime, just like Weatherby’s school children. He may also make supervised visits to our secure facility. However, given the wantonly irresponsibility displayed on occasion by his ward, we ask that he and especially his ward take a one-day orientation course.
The off-worlder is also welcome to set up his advanced listening network across our holdings. All we ask is that he first post all of the source code as Open Source, as any responsible scientist would do.
At Your Service,
Mr Jules Karekin.
My dear St-Patrick-Hartbrooke we must help you prepare for your duel. Have you picked out our songs yet? I suggest that one with a rising tempo might give you the he upper hand. I don’t believe that the evil hum is very rhythmically inclined.
Men and women of the Leviathan Club
Who’s Who of Weatherby
Announces prepublication call for entry submissions.
–
Have you achieved great things?
Are you a prominent or notable person?
–
Hundreds of Weatherby’s greatest persons are listed.
All you have to do is submit an entry for publication and a DNA sample for verification.
Balderok Finagle
Editor-in-Chief
Who’s Who of Weatherby
‡ Offer only open to paid and current members of the Leviathan Club. No fee is required for entry submission. Copies available upon publication for the nominal sum of 45£. Send for a complimentary submission form and DNA swab to:
Who’s Who of Weatherby
Entry Submission Department
PO Box 4288
Upper Doddardham-on-Curd
Ponsfleischmann Green
Weatherby, Weatherby, Weatherby System
73206-1354-73 PU
St-Patrick-Hartbrooke enters the door again; if, the last time he appeared, he had looked healthy, now he looks energized and invigorated. His feathers shine in the Club’s light, almost glowing with their own internal radiance, and he moves with the ease of someone without even the shadow of illness.
As his overcoat is removed, it can be seen that he is dressed slightly less formally than usual; his clothes are looser-fitting, providing a greater ease of movement, with fewer frills and laces to provide snags, and his cravat is only loosely fastened. If anyone is surprised that the Space Griffin has a specific outfit for duelling, they should probably make an appointment to get their sensory organs checked.
As Miss Farnsworth (@Hadley) greets him, he bows slightly to her, and returns her concern with an easy smile.
“Come now, Miss Farnsworth; you act as if the outcome is in any hands but God’s now. My songs are chosen — and, as I have been rehearsing, I would not care to change them at this date — and preparations are all but complete. So, do not worry, fair miss: all will go as God wills it.”
As @Rumpthwaite passes, St-Patrick-Hartbrooke, along with a tip, passes him the following note for his second, Mr. Karekin (@David_Falkayn):
Song choices, St-Patrick-Hartbrooke:
Greensleeves - folk song popular in historical Regency Era
The Impossible Dream - a song about fighting the good fight
On Eagles’ Wings - A hymnConditions for reconciliation without a duel (if asked):
- Public apology to all, and acknowledgement of the damage done and lives lost, as well as taking personal responsibility and admitting fault, for falsely promising the contribution of money towards plague relief efforts
- Public apology to Messrs St-Patrick-Hartbrooke and Karekin for continuing the charade after their endorsements, and public admission that they had no knowledge of, and gained no benefit by, the deception
- Forfeit to the Crown of lands with total income equal to or exceeding the funds promised to the relief effort (relinquishing what was gained through the actions taken)
- Contribution of the same amount in cash to the New Britannia Royal College of Medicine (forfeiting one season’s income from properties gained through the actions taken)
Although the above is merely taking back what was directly gained by the duplicitous action and not actually leaving the offensive personage any worse off than if there had been no duplicity, the challenged party’s recent string of bad luck leaves me disinclined to pursue further punishment — it seems this has already been taken care of.
The formalities now dealt with, the Taaa’keee resumes his conversations, while waiting for the signal from the seconds that the duel is ready to begin.
“I hear, my dear Miss Farnsworth, that you have employed a Marshall. I do hope that you will not be in need of one, even as the New Prussians continue their bellicose swaggering.”
bzzzt!
As sever-al cycles have transpired without the offer of a second for <pleasing hum> @manwich, I am authorized to engage my Synthetic Observational Sentient protocol. The S.O.S. protocol allows an artificial construct such as my-self to act as a second in a duel should such ser-vice be needed.
Mr. <pleasing hum>, I implore you to select three songs to perform in this zzzzzzz Combat Karaoke. You have been challenged and it would be a terrible shame plus and also a resulting loss of rank to refuse terms now.
zoot!
