Oh, ok, I thought it was a Christian-based thing. Good luck!
6 Likes
I tried eHarmony about 10 years ago. I gave them up because I always got the feeling that each date I went on was soemthing arranged by the company to keep me hooked.
6 Likes
Heh. At this point, Iād be happy with even that much.
6 Likes
Itās called trust issues. To be fair they were probably selling your deets, so yeah, sometimes the uncanny valley of shitty algorithmic exploitation turns into an endless gaslighting ropeadope.
6 Likes
I had a plesant date with a nice woman who unknowingly had a Raƫlian tattoo on her neck.
At least I think it was unknowinglyā¦ 
8 Likes
*looks it up*
ā¦A swastika within a Star of David?
A UFO cult is probably the best-case scenario of why you would have that as a tattoo.
12 Likes
I had a number of questions, but I was trying to be charming.
8 Likes
I donāt think theyāre explicitly a religious dating site, but the founder is some sort of Christian muckety-muck, and I remember way back when there being a big kerfuffle about e-harmony refusing gay users.
I just did a quick search and wikipedia says heās āan American clinical psychologist, Christian theologian, seminary professor, chairman and co-founder of the online relationship sites eHarmony and Compatible Partners.ā Sounds like he was (still is?) definitely anti-same-sex marriage, but heās started a separate site for gay people, so maybe his thinking has evolved?
In any case, regardless of the intentions of the folks running the site, I suspect the reputation and past statements of the guy running the show might attract a higher proportion of actively religious people than other sites.
.
When I was a young pup in a new city, I briefly used one of those phone chat services. My first (and only, as it happened) date was with a nice enough young woman who turned out to be as pretty as sheād claimed on the phone. We met for lunch and had a pleasant time, but there was one kind of weird, awkward moment when she got our server to take a Polaroid1 of the two of us. I thought it was strange at the time, because who brings a camera on a first date? (this was well before everyone had phones with cameras). I could hardly object, though.
I canāt recall if she gave me a reason for the photo, or if this was just my working theory at the time, but it had something to do with proving to her best friend that sheād actually gone on the date, like it was a dare or something. Anyway, I followed up and we made a second date, but she cancelled at the last minute and said to call her later. Over the next week or so, I left a couple messages but never heard back. Figured that was it, but decided to try one more time. It went to voicemail, but I didnāt leave a message. Then, on impulse, I blocked caller id and called again; this time she answered and I was so surprised I hung up w/out saying anything. Oops. 
Thatās when my working theory for explaining the picture went from āproving it to her best friendā to āproving it to her employerā.
1. Now that I think about it, it probably wasnāt an actual Polaroid ā this wasnāt quite that long ago ā but Iām sure I remember it being an instant camera of some sort.
Re-reading what I just wrote I canāt help but laugh at how young and dumb about dating I was at that time. Because of course the reason I couldnāt get another date was because the service was a scam, and not because I sucked at meeting people and making a good first impression. 
13 Likes
I agree. I remember reading something about this. The company is not open about it, but religion (specifically, Protestantism) is a key component to the founderās principles.
10 Likes
Guess I should have read further! Yup, I think we read the same article.
6 Likes
This is why iām not much of a fan of internet dating, even in theory. You donāt get the chance to get to know somebody organically, but instead have all this crap dumped on you at once. Maybe if someone was a perfect match for you in all other categories but had differing religious values, you could be compatible just as long as the religious stuff didnāt keep coming up. I could see a meh Christian dating a meh atheist for example, but I could never see someone whose hobby is not collecting stamps dating someone whose favorite 17- syllable word is JAYYYYYYYYYYYZUSSSSS!
Although now iām wondering. If weāre basically seen by this whizbang algorithmic thingamajig as a loose collection of independent categories, how does it decide who matches whom? Does it assign priority to less common categories and subcategories, matching progressive, urban, early music performers with early music performers whose only other hobby is burning black churches in rural Arkansas? Or does it use some kind of error minimization technique, where the tricky matches are done first and match really well, but everyone else just kinda doesnāt fit that great? Or are their definitions of categories suspect, and highly overlapping, and largely meaningless? Iām guessing all of the above.
8 Likes
Protestantism is tricky. It means different things to different people. I interpret it as the four ānice guy Jesusā churches: Anglicans, Lutherans, Methodists, and Presbyterians, otherwise known as mainline protestants. Some people lump Baptists and Evangelicals into that category, even though theyāre much later descendants and really not part of that group at all. Other people just say itās anything that isnāt the big scary Catholics* (see: āAre you Catholic or Christian?ā)
If itās mainline protestants, I can get on board with that. I would love a dating site that was secretly run by Lutherans. It would be friendly, earnest, and the very model of Germanic gemĆ¼tlichkeit. It would also be passive aggressive as fuck, but I could deal, just as long as they kept trying to buy my affection with jello molds.
*or the Orthodox either, but what the hell are those, Iāve never met any, help!!!
6 Likes
I hate camping. I really do. Every time I get conned into it, itās a misery of being eaten alive by insects, awful food, death by a thousand cuts and bruises, and, now that Iām a grownup, the person who invited me losing their temper because it turns out that when I said I didnāt know anything about camping I was telling the truth. It is the perfect example of me not having a good time.
Last time I was on eHarmony, it paired me up with a single father of two who lived 120km from me, and was looking for someone to go camping with. That was clearly stated as his main goal of being on the site.
So yeah, fuck dating sites.
12 Likes
I like it, for exactly that reason. Iām not good at getting to know people organically. I am, however, very good at taking in large amounts of information at once and parsing through for dealbreakers.
Thatās my view as well; between being devoutly religious and becoming an atheist, I had many years of āmeh Christianā to bridge the gap, and I think that current me could date someone like that without many problems.
But, yeah. If someone lists Jesus or God in their list of the most important things in their life, thatās not a good sign. Iām not pushy, but, when pushed, I push back, and I have some not-nice things to say about Christianity, and its concepts of God, justice, and especially Hell, which would certainly come out if someone tried to convert me.
Iām guessing mostly that. And that theyāre not weighted appropriately for the overlap.
On the bright side, this morning, the site only delivered one match, and religion is just plain not mentioned in her profile, so maybe in making progress in training the site to my preferences here.
6 Likes
What if itās run by Calvinists?
āWeāve matched you with the one person youāre supposed to end up with. If your relationship with the one person weāve chosen is an unhappy one, thatās because unhappiness is what God desires for you.ā
14 Likes
Lol, maybe if they were Presbyterian Iād be cool with it. Theyāre fatalists, but at least theyāre cheerful fatalists.
Then again, iām a cheerful fatalist in many things, so maybe I would really enjoy it.
7 Likes
I do have one or two (i.e., two or four) friends who found lifetime partners via match(.)com. One of them is a writer, whose now partner got down on one knee when they were both in a bookstore.
I try not to think of how long it took to meet my ms. right. I think the only strategy (?) that works is to keep trying. Thereās someone out there for you, @nimelennar.
6 Likes
Itās not the medium, but the method thatās the issue. I met my (then-future) wife on the internet, but it wasnāt by comparing survey answers via some algorithm. It was by both of us participating regularly in a board not entirely unlike this, discussing topics not entirely unlike the ones we talk about. We liked each otherās posts, started PMing, and then chatting and playing games online and eventually met up and took it from there. Now weāve been married over a decade.
I also have very close friends met via regular participation in online chat. I spent a lot of real-world time hanging out with one over the years, although weāve now veered off in different directions. Another I still talk to quite often, although we havenāt ever met in meatspace after all these years. Sheās the first person Iād go to aside from my wife for anything, and sheās said that Iām the person she always goes to as well.
You absolutely can get the chance to know somebody organically online and build meaningful relationships. You just have to actually do so organically, by engaging with them repeatedly over time, itās not like pushing a button on a vending machine and expecting the right person to pop out.
I think the idea of the dating sites trying to sell themselves as vending machines for instant partners is the problem. They should instead be setting up conditions where people can meet and interact over time, and then it would just happen naturally. (But, that kind of is what the internet is as a whole, so what do they have to add to that?)
12 Likes
That, and they encourage people to act as if theyāre buying a relationship like one would buy a car. My friends and I have joked that you can practically see the checklist floating over the head of some people when youāre out on a date. Itās not terribly romantic, you know? Or even social.
Iāve even had guys say a date is like a job interview, and theyāve been rather taken aback when I point out Iām essentially auditioning them too. They just think of themselves as the employer.
Itās so self-defeating, because all this rationalisation practically guarantees no emotional attachment forms.
14 Likes
My son almost crawled out of my bed this morning. I walked back into the room with coffees for my husband and I, and found the baby almost off the bed, and my husband goofing around on twitter. I screamed and he was able to trap the baby to the side of mattress as he fell. My husband was shocked and traumatized. Heās just getting used to the baby crawling. I can see my self making the same mistake. But itās still going to be hard for me to forgive.
13 Likes