Teenage obstinacy is pretty difficult for a parent to address as you’re the focus of that obstinacy. You won’t be smart again until she’s 24-25.
What does her surgeon’s office recommend or require leading into the procedure? Most would like the person to be checking in with a counselor from time to time before and after surgery. Or perhaps a counselor directed peer support group.
FYI - I’ve had light colored hair still growing in that others couldn’t see - but I sure could feel. As could others when kissing.
They did require a letter of recommendation from their therapist, so she went to a couple appointments to get the letter, then promptly dropped it. I have to walk carefully, because I really am frustrated with the unwillingness to take action to help herself. But we will keep at it.
Perhaps having comfort and advice come from a peer will be a better route, your daughter may be more open and receptive. As Kathy mentioned there may be a counselor directed peer group so that may be an avenue to consider.
Edit:
I may have posted this episode before elsewhere but perhaps this may offer some methods and advice for improving your conservations with your daughter as well
I’m so old, I remember when you had to get two letters.
Being a young person is stressful. Especially with transitioning and having to jump through so many hoops. Ridiculously hard when your country is trying to end your critical health care and eliminate your people. And some things are just maturing processes you have to go through
She’s lucky that she has her parent’s support and love. Being there and loving her is the most important thing. I wish I had more helpful advice.
Also - everything isn’t about transition. What’s see doing with other parts of her future? College etc?
I am not a therapist or have a background in related fields, my layman’s understanding is that (regardless of age) if a person does not feel heard and acknowledged a conversation will not be fruitful. Even when you think you are listening, you may not be properly showing it and it may take several conversations to establish common ground.
My friendly advice to @Docosc may be not to solve the problem but just talk and listen to them more. If you’re already doing this great, and i can see you care so be patient and keep engaging.
I, unfortunately, can’t really offer much advice on this problem. I’m one of those people Kathy mentioned who has blonde hair. Laser was completely ineffective. Electrolysis was expensive, painful, and, for me, only slightly effective. I gave up after two years. I still have to shave. It sucks, but I just had to accept it and move on with my life. Luckily, blonde peach fuzz isn’t that noticeable until people get up close.
As far as getting her to therapy, that’s a tough one. I think at that age, the harder you push, the more likely she is to resist. It would help if she could hear it from her peers, but a lot of trans people have been hurt over the years by a lot of bad therapists, and there is understandable and justified resistance from the community over the gatekeeping function such therapists have served in over the years, so she may not hear a pro-therapy message from her trans peers.
I would suggest just being extra patient and let her figure it out. She should get there eventually. I’m sure it’s frustrating to see her struggling with something that doesn’t seem like a real issue, but remember, right now, for trans people, the world is really scary and a lot of it is out of our control. This may be something that she feels like she can control, so she’s just grabbing on to it.
FWIW, I have definitely experienced frustration re: facial hair. I haven’t gotten laser or electrolysis, but tried at-home IPL with no results (facial hair is generally more difficult for IPL, and mine might be too light-colored for it).
So I wound up embracing wet shaving with a brush and all that. It took some practice to get better at it (and exfoliating, hot enough water, a good shave soap, changing my razor blades often, not applying too much pressure, moisturizing afterward and not trying to go over a spot too many times) after years of much lazier shaving habits.
But for the first several weeks I still felt like I had a blue-gray beard shadow on my chin no matter how baby-smooth it happened to feel. That seems to have eased over time; not sure if it’s my perception or my actual face.
(I’m not trying to pass as a woman, I just felt like erasing an obvious association with masculinity that I’d just sort of lived with by default for so long.)
There’s at least one brand out there that specifically makes makeup to help cover beard shadow, and I’ve seen a few tutorials about it as well. I haven’t tried it myself, but maybe that’s an option?
Oh, her future is a royal mess. Her SO just graduated from college and looking for a job, may have to relocate. She hates her job and is looking for something new, two members of her band graduated and moved on, so she and the singer are trying to decide what to do next, surgery coming up, and that’s before considering the fascist dictatorship we seem to be in. The stress is over the top. I have asked her to contact you, but I think that doing that for her is a bad idea. She needs to take the initiative. To the best of my knowledge, she really does not have any IRL trans groups here. There are online groups she talks to, and we have trans- and other LGBT family who she talks to, which is very helpful. I do not do helpless well, and my wife and I are both fixers, but I am thinking there is no fixing this as such, at least not from our end.
Not a trans person, but I have read that SSRIs can help with body dysmorphia, if that is indeed what it is.
One remarkable case that I remember reading about involved a man who actually “saw” holes in his teeth. When he started a course of SSRIs, the “holes” would gradually disappear as the medication took effect, and would reappear if he stopped taking it.
At the city hall trans flag raising Councilperson Landau called out some community pioneers. I’m the only one still alive. Puts some things in perspective.
I was a pretty lost, anxious, and rebellious kid so at least from that angle i can say that trying to fix things and give advice on what to do is going to do more harm than good. No matter how well intentioned.
I have amazing loving parents and i know i put them through a lot of hell and heartache over my misbehavior and wildly poor life choices. I should have gotten help with therapy and possibly meds but i never did because i’m a shithead like that. My hope is that you can focus more on listening and not making the problems go away, as a parent that is probably really painful to you. But do look into sources on how to have productive difficult conversations.
The one I’ve had (minimal) experence with was Jecca Black, but it’s not cheap.
Plus one on the ‘laser hair removal does nothing to light/white hair’ - a good portion of my facial hair is white, and even though the tech passes the treatment head over that area, it does nothing.
Finding a therapist that’s good is a difficult thing, doubly so with lgbtq friendly ones. I’ve gotten lucky in hitting the trifecta- one that’s good for me, lgbtqia friendly (they are nb themselves) and the unicorn, one that takes my health insurance.
In my area (greater phoenix area) there’s a trans peer support group. Can’t speak on how friendly they are or not, but there is also a trans group I hang out with on wednesdays and fridays that are friendly, they have a discord server that’s very active, and welcoming.
( on a side note: a bit over a year on HRT, dialing in the dosage back in after switching to injectable, about halfway through the 12 month package on facial hair. )
It’s amazing how little it can take to make you feel good some days.
My nesting partner and I went to a glass blowing class on the 28th. Because I only enjoy being set on fire in limited circumstances, I wore denim coveralls instead of my usual light skirt for Summer weekends. These are embroidered and definitely not masc coded, but still work well for stealth mode when I need that. (I did not need that for the class, of course!) I still heard the instructor use ‘they’ for me without being told, so points to her already.
This past weekend we stopped by to pick up the cacti we made. This time I was wearing the light skirt and a “Be They / Do Crime” t-shirt. When we walked in the assistant not only remembered us, but said “Oh, you ladies are just in time! We’re about to close for the day.” Yeah, okay, so I’m not binary and therefore technically not a lady, but you know what? I’ll take it!
The cacti are mostly based in genderqueer (for me) and asexual (for my partner) pride colors and I think they turned out quite well. They now live together on our living room mantle, hopefully safely out of feline range.
