There are so many reasons not to move to FL… which is sad, since it’s lovely there…
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Hello Dani, I am Donald, a mediocre cishet white fella who fancies himself an ally but is aware that his contributions to LGBTQIA+ causes to date have been lacking. I use he/him pronouns.
I was struck by your announced decision to move back to Missouri. May I ask why you chose to do that? As you mentioned, it’s not exactly trans-friendly. My mother was born in St Louis in 1929, and thence moved to Los Angeles when she was 19 (and later to San Diego). My father was a 3rd generation native San Diegan, but had a fairly rural upbringing (one-room schoolhouse, he and his two sisters would all ride the same horse to school while their mother walked alongside toting a shotgun because of the mountain lions… like a childhood out of Mark Twain but this was the 1940s), and in the early 1990s, having tired of the crowds and expense of SoCal, they retired to the Ozarks, where my dad enjoyed being a volunteer fireman. At first they loved it there.
But after a few years, they gave up and moved back west, this time to Arizona, because the regressive culture and parochialism just finally got to them. And again, my mom was a native Missourian. Both of them straight white Methodists who were pretty warmly welcomed by the community… but eventually that community just creeped them out to the point that they felt Arizona, of all places, would be better.
I am sure your own experience has little in common with my parents, but just speaking from my own extremely limited experience of having visited the state several times while my parents lived there… what about the place attracted you back to it? If you don’t mind talking about it, that is.
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I lived in the Kansas City area. I moved there in 2008 when I transitioned, and it just felt like home almost immediately. I made lots of friends there. I think Kansas City is kind of a hidden gem of a city in the US. I feel like most people who haven’t lived there don’t know a lot about it, sometimes not even what state it’s in. Also, I grew up in north Texas, and lived in Oklahoma City for a decade. Then Kansas City for a decade before moving to New Jersey to go to law school. And while New Jersey is a blue state, and has laws protecting trans people, I just never felt at home here. Culturally, it’s very different here than the intersection of the Southwest and Midwest I had lived my whole life in. Also, the part of New Jersey I’m in is very, very, very red. I’m in the heart of MAGAland, NJ right now, Ocean County. Almost 70% of this county voted for Trump. This is also the whitest place I’ve ever lived in my life. New Jersey is kind of a weird state. It’s the 4th smallest state in area, but the 11th largest in population, making it the densest state. And most of that population is packed into the counties on the other side of the Hudson River from NYC. That area, along with cities like Camden near Philly, are what make New Jersey a blue state. But the rest of the state is hardcore MAGAland, and I fucking hate it here. Missouri is a red state overall, but Kansas City is blue. Now, I’m going to a white collar suburb, and I’m sure that area voted for Trump, but still…it’s a more diverse area that where I’m currently living in New Jersey. Also, just from a practical standpoint, New Jersey is really, really expensive. We’re getting almost twice the house in Missouri for a little less money than our house here. I also just haven’t made any friends here. Some of that was because of COVID, but I’ve literally made one friend in the 5 years I’ve been here. I might be safer here in New Jersey, but I don’t think I’ll be happy. It may be risky right now, but I’m choosing happy. Lastly, I really didn’t think that orange motherfucker was going to win, and we made the decision to move before the election, and it’s too late to change our minds. We already bought a house there.
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Thank you for the detailed response. Makes perfect sense to me. I have really only driven through KC (stopped long enough for some excellent BBQ as a kid) so I didn’t realize how culturally different it might be, although the time I spent in the Ozarks certainly gave me the impression it was more Ark. than Mo. Also, my only experience with NJ is when my brother-in-law (a Navy Lt Cmdr at the time, late 1980s) was stationed in Philly so my sister’s family moved to Cherry Hill, which was essentially just a Philly suburb. It didn’t give me any insight at all into what the rest of the state might be like, obviously.
I devoutly hope things go well for you!
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Missouri is, in many ways, at least two different states. There’s no question that the area around the Ozarks is more Southern in character, and shares a lot in common with Arkansas. St. Louis feels more like an eastern city than the rest of the state does, and Kansas City feels more like a western/midwest blend. These divides even show up in language, with some people pronouncing Missouri like Missourah. This divide really traces its roots to the Civil War. Missouri was a border state. Along with Kentucky, it never formally seceded, but the loyalties of its citizens were divided, with probably as many supporting the Confederacy as supported the Union, if not more. Missouri even had a divided government. The official government was pro union, but a pro confederate government was also elected, and spent the entire war “governing” in exile from Arkansas. After the War, there was still a lot of pro confederate feelings in the state, led most notably by the James Gang, and other “outlaws” like the Younger Brothers. These outlaws were really terrorists, to use modern language, but a lot of the locals were sympathetic, so they became folk heroes. All of the Younger Brothers are buried in the Lees Summit Historical Cemetary, which is in the town I’m moving to. Lees Summit is also the hometown of Pat Metheny, so it’s an interesting place. There’s a lot in the area for history buffs. Independence is, of course, the hometown of Harry Truman, and was the original home of the LDS church before the Mormons got chased out of the state and fled to Utah. According to some in that church, Independence is the historic location of the Garden of Eden. Have I mentioned the area is interesting?
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I will do an intro and tell some of my own journey when I have more spoons. In the meantime…
Yay! Thank you for sharing. Here’s my outfit from this year:
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There’s a lot of relatable in that article. The period of my life I call ‘the long grey’ is described so well there, basically a sense of just existing, not experiencing my emotions as emotions but rather something observed, just existing and feeling emotionally dead.
My life has been objectively much harder since coming out, but I no longer feel dead inside. I don’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed before coming out, and now it’s a many times a day thing. Life may suck, but at least I get to properly experience it, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
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I can relate to a lot in that article too. “The long grey” (good name for it) kept growing over time and was becoming unbearable before I transitioned. It was also the first thing to go. It vanished within a couple weeks of starting HRT. I felt alive for the first time.
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Damn! No lies detected, tho…
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That also describes being ND, which isn’t something that can be mitigated with hormones or other medications.
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It’s extra fun when you’re both!
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Which is statistically more likely to happen than among NTs!
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Oh definitely. I haven’t seen any research on the link between trans folks and neurodivergence, but my personal experience is there is like an 80-90% overlap. Though that might be a bit of self-selection in terms of the people I really connect with. My bubble is very queer and neurodivergent.
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This is what I keep trying to get through to people who get all freaked out about pronouns. Just do your best to treat people like people, with the same kind of courtesy you would summon for anyone else. Listen to what they say and try not to be an asshole.
It’s not rocket surgery.
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