Okay, the last movie I saw was The Man from U.N.C.L.E., so I’ve been kidnapped by spies from Russia, America, and England.
The last TV show I watched… I’m sneaking a Firefly re-watch into my GoT marathon, so Mal & crew are my rescuers.
Chances of rescue: ???
Chances of hilarity: guaranteed.
Sorry 'bout that. I so rarely see movies, and having just seen two in one night I felt like I had to pitch in.
I’ve been kidnapped by Valerian and Laureline (from the City of a Thousand Planets).
The gladiators from Spartacus have mounted a rescue mission.
These pretty little spies are going to be absolutely slaughtered in over-the-top fountains of blood. A beheading is likely. Odds are about even that the climax includes enough dead bodies to pave the intergalactic road home.
I’m not certain I’ll be getting out of this, but the special effects team will be earning their pay.
I’ve been kidnapped by the Grammaton Clerics from Equilibrium. The cast of Archer are on their way to rescue me.
On the surface of it, Archer and friends don’t stand a chance but this is exactly the sort of seemingly unwinnable scenario that lends itself perfectly to comedy hijinks. I’ll get rescued (more or less by happy coincidence) and it will be hilarious.
On the downside, I’m pretty much guaranteed to end up with serious, long-term tinnitus from guns being fired right by my ears with no hearing protection.
On the upside, have you seen how much those guys drink? We’ll be lit before we even make it to the plane! 
Kidnapped by Antonio Salieri from Amadeus, and MacGyver (original version, not the remake) is coming to the rescue.
Well, even though I’m a decent singer and have a pretty instant memory for music, I can’t read or write sheet music or play an instrument to save my life. So no idea why I’d be kidnapped, and he’s certainly not going to drive me to death over completing a composition.
But either way, even if we give him the handicap of working in a time period without chewing gum or paperclips, I’m pretty sure the mullet would pull through in short order.
Fuck that was a terrible movie, with flashing lights which gave me migraines for days afterwards, and plot holes… the changes to the ending made the whole plot sink into one of the plot holes… the changes to the characters were also an issue.
I am in a lot of pain, and vomit everywhere. If this happens in Watchmen I’ll probably die, if this happens in Doctor Who, I’ll probably live but my odds will vary by time period.
He’s got his ways with a violin string.
This time I would be kidnapped by Jim, Judy, and Plato from Rebel Without a Cause. They’re a pretty dysfunctional group and it wasn’t likely planned, so I’m assuming that I’m just along for the ride now because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and they’re afraid I might let people know where their secret hideout is. So we’re all just having a good time hanging out at the abandoned mansion.
Then the women of Claws attempt a ‘rescue’. They’re crazy but crafty, so they’ll probably succeed. Unfortunately, I’ll then be in much more danger. That doesn’t look good.
I’m dead.
So is everyone else. Oh, and time travel now exists, somehow.
Because today’s film is this:
I’m already not having a good time.
However, the rescue attempt, while well intentioned and idealistically snarky, is being led by these guys:
My viewing habits are now indirectly responsible for World War three, the death of humanity, and a universe- bending paradox in the time line. Yay.
Kidnapped by the characters in The Last Starfighter, and to be rescued by the characters in Game of Thrones.
Yeah, as far as I know, I’m gone. The Xur Armada has me, I’m on the other side of the galaxy (at a minimum), and unless something really interesting happens in the seasons I haven’t watched yet, my “rescuers” are just done. Besides, they’ve got their own troubles… at least, until Xur (or his fair-weather friends) takes over the universe and turns their gaze on whatever planet GoT is set on. “Winter is coming” has got nothing on “spoiled petulant brat with laser guns and an armada of spaceships”.
The Children could probably help out with some remote viewing. Melissandra would make a shadow crawl out of some robot’s crotch and beguile some things? Start a civil war or something as a distraction?
Then send Arya off walking a rainbow road. It’ll take her about three days to get there, at which point she whacks everybody.
Well, that’s almost The Last Starfighter’s plot already. 
I may be caught in an impasse of indecisive incompetence.
I have been kidnapped by the kid and his uncle and his uncle’s platonic friend from The House with a Clock in its Walls.
For now, I await my rescue by Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani, Jason, Michael, and a temporarily underpowered Janet from The Good Place.
Unsurprisingly, Chidi seems to be holding things up. At least the chocolate chip cookies are good.
I thought I was kidnapped by Miss Marple in Murder, She Said (1961) but forgot to update my list - actually I have been kidnapped by the Western bad guys in Silverado (1985). And I’ll be rescued by the Simpsons. Either of those scenarios would be entertaining and because it’s the Simpsons, everything will be back to normal next episode so it doesn’t matter if I’m rescued or not.
So, apparently I’m kidnapped by Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, and Eeyore (Christopher Robin - NOT a great movie), but evidently Daredevil and Elektra are traveling to London to save me. That should be fun. I don’t know, is DD any kind of match for Tigger?
I dunno if it’s possible to match him… as everyone knows, he’s the only one.
Though it would be interesting to see something like the infamous hallway fight against opponents who are half rubber, half springs…
“Please, don’t stir the tank. I’ve come from the future, and there’s faulty wiring, and one tank-- I don’t know which or I’d tell you-- one tank will explode if you stir it.”
“Uh huh.”
ten minutes later
“Houston, we’ve had a main bus b undervolt…”
“Houston?”
“Houston, do you read?”
“Uh… I don’t remember this part, but I think you’re going to need to shut down the fuel cells to conserve oxygen and use the Lunar Module as a lifeboat. And you’ll need to transfer all the nav data to the lunar module, and figure out how to restart the command module without drawing more than 20 amps.”
“Wait, no, you can draw on lunar moodule power for about 4 more amps.”
I have been kidnapped by Hill House, and will be rescued by…
Hill House.
Oh, fuck.
Sorry they’re busy you get foggy and karen.
Lack of fun isn’t really touched on as a serious vulnerability for the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen. It really depends on how Catholic guilt works in the new context. I think you may be fucked.
